Dear North Korean Torture Agent

You may hide behind your pretty brochures and your wall full of color….

or behind your soothing water bath and kneading massage chair….

You may have a welcoming and cheerful Hello Kitty in your waxing room …

But your true identity was confirmed with every yank and rip, for though my eyebrows were admittedly wild and unruly (and quite possibly grown together), I know for certain that they neither extended halfway to my hairline nor halfway down my eyelids as you seemingly implied they did.

Have a nice day.

We have a winner and new hair.

Congratulations to Sally for the 1000th comment (and the succeeding thirty after that..and maybe fifty before…)  That was fun.  Since she’s such a wordy mcwordster, I thought this would be fun as a prize:

Moo?

Really?

Maybe I should have kept that one and posted it on my fridge as a reminder to never again eat an entire box of Fudge Oreos.

Oh, and I cut my hair.

And obviously didn’t keep my April Botox appointment.

And wore a bra.

Have a nice day.

Stuck on You/At the Grocery

Did you know they made toothbrushes with suction cups at the base?  Now the kids can secure their toothbrushes even CLOSER to the toilet where they can capture  who-knows-what-germs that escape in the potty mist when they flush.

Wait a minute.

My kids never flush.

Never mind.

__________

Did you notice my flip flops (and the seriously freaky long toes) in the picture?  These are my “wear all summer”  flip flops that I adore, and with the temperature in the nineties for three days straight now, it was time to break them out and start wearing them again.  It takes a while to adjust to them after having worn generally more supportive shoes over the winter (and now all you can think about it my Russian weightlifter legs in brown sturdy shoes….you’re welcome…really….for that little visual).

I hauled them out for the first time on Monday and took the boys with me to the grocery store where we bought all the cereal (and I’m still trying to scrape them from the ceiling tiles with the sugar high they have going on, but for the last 48 hours, I have seriously rocked the casbah for letting them buy it).

I had been wearing the flops for about six hours by the time we hit Kroger, and my toes were getting a little twitchy, but it’s always a little bit of a reentry when wearing them and I didn’t think anything of it.  We secured our whole grain high fructose corn syrup goodness, a new toothbrush for Strep Boy, and $75 worth of stuff that has gotten me no closer to knowing what’s for dinner.

I was at checkout trying to keep Travis from stealing the Skittles in the impulse aisle, trying to keep Tommy from grabbing the Doritos out of the checker’s hands, trying to keep JJ from opening a passbook savings account with his 37 cents at the in-store bank, trying to get change into my purse, nodding yes to the OTHER checker who wanted to give the boys stickers, and answer the customer’s question behind me as to whether I thought the sunflowers I bought for $2.99 on clearance would last a couple of weeks or more (was he going to buy them for his wife?  I would hope he’d first remove the orange “LAST DAY” sticker) when what should happen, dear Reader, at the most innopportune time?

Major.

Toe.

Cramps.

Both feet.

At the same time.

It was all I could do not to go down in the middle of the store.

And I’m pretty sure the health code inspector would have frowned upon me kicking off my shoes and bouncing up and down in an attempt to stretch my toes out.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t care.

I’m pretty sure the manager hopes it’ll be a while before I return.

That’s okay.

There are other grocery stores in town from which we haven’t been banned.

Yet.

Have a nice day.

Note to self

1. If you’re going to be irresponsible and leave dozens of half empty coffee cups on your desk, make sure you move them out of reach so that you don’t absentmindedly drink moldy cold coffee instead of the piping hot germ-free kind.

2.  If you’re going to the grocery store with the boys, it might be wise to set parameters on the kind of cereal they can pick.

3.  Better yet, save the grocery store trip for mornings they’re in school.

4.  Twenty-seven chocolate cupcakes can make you sick.

5.  Frozen custard can make you feel better.

Sometimes you just gotta’ get right back on that horse….

Have a nice day.

An “Ask Sus” Weekend Review

So Sus, what did you do this weekend?

Dear Reader, I had a great weekend.  Saturday I let someone else do all the hard work attended a pig pickin’.  For those non-Carolinian friends, it involves hoisting an entire pig (from the snooter to the tooter) onto a rather large grill (otherwise in fancy talk known as a “pig cooker”), and then letting that bad boy go all day long, low and slow.  Our particular pig pickin’ happened to be a social event for my Sunday School class, so that meant everyone brought their best 9×13 recipe to round out the porcine goodness.  The table was laden with potato casseroles, slaws, layered salads, fruit salads, baked beans and enough desserts to start our own sweet shop.

But there was one dish of heavenly goodness that caused my spirits to soar.

Pink.

Marshmallow.

Fluff.

Somebody slap your mama.

And in case you haven’t had it, I’m including the recipe here so you, too, can share in the airy delight.

1 can cherry pie filling

1 can sweetened condensed milk

1 can crushed pineapple, drained

1 heaping cup of miniature marshmallows

1 carton Cool Whip

Mix together and chill for 2 hours before serving.

If you can wait that long.

Sus, did you think while you were eating all that fluff that you might receive an invitation to go swimming the next day, and you’d have to wedge yourself into your swimsuit?

Nope.

Didn’t cross my mind.

Wish I would’ve known that before I went back for fourths.

Did the boys behave at church yesterday?

I heart my teacher who talked to us about forgiveness.  This was a good lesson to have in mind as I left class to go to the church library to collect the children who were checking out VeggieTales for the thousandth time.  As I was walking in, I heard “I need to talk to you” and out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw their Sunday School teacher .  So I, of course, skeddadled on into the library in hopes that Craig could take one for the home team hear this week’s recitation of “What your boys did wrong in class today.”

No luck.

I think he used that blank look that said “No speaka’ de English” and pointed inside, for it wasn’t two seconds later that I was discovered cowering behind a bookshelf and I got to hear that two of my boys ditched class because they decided that playing on the Wii in the game room was a lot more fun than learning about Jesus.

Sigh.

And then she said she’d pray for me.

Double sigh.

I think I’ll pray for more marshmallow fluff.

Have a nice day.

P.S. – Sometime this week I’ll hit my 1,000th comment.  Will it be you????  If it is, there might be a special treat in store…..

He’s a smart cookie

We went out for Chinese food last night. 

It’s very important that you know that is was NOT Asian food,

for as we know,

JJ doesn’t eat Asian.

It makes him hurl.

Chinese food, however, is okay,

because “Chinese is not Asian”.

Got that? Yeah, me neither.

Anyway, we all grabbed the usual off the buffet line…

sweet and sour for JJ and Tommy,

pizza for Travis,

and everything else for Craig and me.

The meal went swimmingly until the fortune cookies came.

At which point my eyes were swimming in tears.

For you see,

we all took turns reading our fortunes.

It was the usual drivel to which I mentally added a two-word ending.

But then Travis’ turn came.

In a quiet halting voice, carefully sounding out his words, he said

Wisdom is found in truth.

In Jesus.

Gladittude…CPQ Style….

I really don’t know what CPQ style is, but if it’s anything like my hair, it’s going to be all over the map.  And not altogether stylish.

And sorry, Gretchen, I couldn’t wait until Monday (isn’t that the official Gladittude day?).  I’m feeling rebellious and I didn’t think you’d mind.

__________

1.  I’m glad the boys picked up the eleventy million pieces of styrofoam that had once existed in the shape of a cooler until they took to it with a hammer before Dad got home from work last night.  I’m also glad that our neighbors weren’t home to witness my discovery of the remains of this little project in the driveway, and the yard, and the garage, and the flower bed.

2.  I’m glad that my dentist will be able to afford college for his daughter this year, courtesy of moi.

3.  I’m glad that my husband finally came home after being gone three days on business.

4.  I’m glad he comes home any day, come to think of it.

5. I’m glad JJ got miffed about the meatloaf I served for supper.  He said “I wanted the ribs you bought at the store this morning”, and that’s when I remembered that I had left them in the back of the Suburban.

For 5 hours.

Fortunately, they were in the styrofoam cooler.

Before it was destroyed.

6.  I’m glad I have friends who will be inappropropriately funny and make me laugh if I ask them to.  I’d so much rather laugh than cry, and they (you all) obliged.

7.  I’m glad that I have absolutely nothing on the calendar for today.  Can I get an Amen?

8.  I’m glad for a pig-pickin’ party on Saturday with friends from church.  At someone else’s house.

9.  I’m glad Meredith shared the story with me yesterday about the pregnant lady who got hit by a car when she ran into the street trying to escape a bear in hot pursuit.  Provided a little perspective that things could be worse.

And there’s a happy ending.

The lady was unhurt.

And the bear is now playing with my cat somewhere over the rainbow bridge.

10.  Glad this week is over.

Have a nice day.

All aboard the crazy train

Ah, the week that would not quit.  Someone stop the merry-go-round before I heave.

_______________

Thanks for talking me off the ledge with all your kind comments, corny jokes and Youtube clips yesterday.  I’m channeling my inner Gloria Gaynor and declaring that I will survive…as soon as I get past the pickle on the crud sandwich that is Baby A coming down with a wicked case of strep.

Yep, that altered my plans to surreptitiously have the cat put down while the boys were at school.

And yes, we’re adding that little incident to the list of things to discuss with his therapist when he’s older.

I actually had to take the child with me to the vet for our final goodbye.

Oh, that was fun.

I tried the old “Honey, I think you might be a little contagious.  Just stay in the car while I run in and talk to the sweet vet about what might be wrong with Simba. We’ll just leave him there and see what they can do for him.”

Yeah, that didn’t work.

Squash Blossom remembered the treasure chest of goodies behind the front desk from the last time we were there, and he wasn’t going to be sequestered when possible loot was to be had.  Before you gasp in that horrified “Oh no she di’nt” sort of way, I didn’t take him back with me into the death chamber exam room.  No, I left him in the lobby with inappropriate videos he could watch on my iPhone.

And now I’m sure we’ve infected half the front office staff while he waited for me.  But considering we are now petless, I guess that technically doesn’t make them our vet anymore. Which relieves a little tiny bit of guilt.

Oh, and we have ringworm.  For the sixteen thousandth time with the same kid who is a MAGNET for every thing going around his classroom.

Gives me the heebie jeebies.

As I’m sure it does you.

But I’m already having a better day today than the mom that had to get out of the car this morning at carpool in her blue plaid pajama bottoms, cut-off sleep shirt and pink hair while her kid was throwing a hissy fit on the sidewalk.

Yeah, things started looking up for me about then.

Have a nice day.

Wordless Wednesday

1996-2009

Crown me with many crowns…

That was rough.  And they didn’t even do anything.  I have to go back on Thursday to talk about selling my children to afford this getting the estimate and full breakdown of all that needs to be done.

On the bright side, I heard “No root canal”.  The only canals I want to pay for are in Venice, so that was good news.  The down side was that the old stuff I had done as a child is beginning to break down and wear away, so it’s time to do a lot of rework.

And get three or four crowns.

And fill a couple of cavities.

Another bright side:  I was praised for being a good brusher and flosser.  They said most “high fear” patients (yeah, I have a label – can I get a clap?) are good brushers, so at least I’ve overachieved on something.

So, that was my day.

I have a migraine.

And a sense of relief.

Until I have to go back.

Because I will go back.  At least twice they said.

Aren’t you glad you get the play by play?

Are you wondering who suggested you read this blog at this point?

Aren’t you wishing you had the last four minutes of your life back that you spent reading this drivel?

I’d demand a refund.

Have a nice day.