Friday Fill-In

1.  I got a new camera app for my iPhone this week and I love it.  It’s called Shakeit! and it mimics the look and feel of an old Polaroid and really dresses up what would be an ordinary snapshot.  Here are a few pictures that I took last night of my three favorite subjects:

2.  I am once again aboard the diet train wreck.  There’s a possibility that I might have a fun little trip in early fall and I want to be able to a) look cute in my vacation pictures, and b) eat with abandon.

I did lose one pound this week.

It might have been because I had a tearful parting of the ways with my nightly Butterfinger.

3.  I went to the dentist yesterday and paid for the privilege of having sharp picks poked into my gum line. This time I was a little better prepared with suitable headphones.  I hit the shuffle button and laughed as the first song blasted into my ears.

Rick James’ “Super Freak”.

How appropriate.

Have a nice day.

In which I get a case of the vapors

This morning I asked JJ to take the trash to the curb and as I waited in the idling car for him to finish swinging his light saber to fend off the buzzing flies that accompanied the rolling cart down the driveway, I scrounged through the center console to find some wet wipes so he could clean his hands on the way to school.

I couldn’t readily find them but I spied the first aid kit and thought medicinal wipes would work just as well plus they had the added benefit of killing any germs he might have encountered on the trashcan handle.

Which is why I wasn’t doing this particular chore in the first place.

Besides, it’s a boy job.

Amen.

I pulled out a cleansing packet and opened it up for him, but noticed the towelette was a lot smaller than normal.  I also noticed some small print that said “Keep away from children.”  Thinking that the warning referred to not letting toddlers chew on the pad, I nonetheless decided it might have an off smell that would linger on his hands for the rest of the day so I lifted it to my nose and took a big sniff to check it out.

And proceeded to sear my brain, singe every surface of my sinus cavity and shed tears for the next twenty minutes because I had opened the ammonia inhalant for fainters.

The end.

Have a nice day.

Audio Post

In which I report some sad news

It is my sorrowful duty to report this morning that a member of our household has made a dramatic exit.  He felt unloved, unused, unwanted, cast aside by the very one who purported to adore him til death did they part.

My friends had  asked, nay, begged me to keep him, but in the end, a desperate cry for help from fellow blogger and long-time friend Lori won out and I agreed that it might be best for all of us if he went to live in a better home where they were going to have a costume party.

He will be happy there, paired with some oversized Elton John sunglasses and surrounded by other equally gaudy stunning compatriots.  My only regret is that we never really understood each other.

And that I didn’t return him within 30 days.

We spent our final bittersweet moments together yesterday at the post office while I tried to assemble their shipping box.

The bitter was in my heart and directed toward the box engineers who didn’t take their end user’s  IQ and general lack of spatial awareness into account.

The sweet was the roll of packaging tape that took care of some of the more detailed instructions that eluded me.

Elvis has left the building.

Have a nice day.

Monday Musings

Mr. CPQ and I were talking about food the other night because we’ve decided it might be time to stop vacation eating seeing as we got back from vacation three weeks ago.  Since diet self-sabotage is one of our love languages, we were discussing our favorite things to eat and he boldly declared that he could survive on hamburgers and pizza for the rest of his life and never tire of them.

I, on the other hand, have commitment issues and couldn’t decide what I’d take to my desert island because sometimes I feel like a nut and sometimes I don’t.

We indulged his hamburger craving by lunching at Wendy’s yesterday after church because I think Wendy’s makes a pretty good one and if I never set foot in a McDonald’s restaurant again I’ll be a happy woman.

My mother does not carry a high opinion of Wendy’s because it bothers her that a) the buns are not heated and b) that they are round and the meat patty is square.

And that tells you all you need to know about my mother.

And ensures that I’ll get a phone call about sixty seconds after hitting the “publish” button.

I don’t ever order my hamburgers the same way twice, but I make the exception at Wendy’s because there is one condiment there that is a must have on my burger and it’s not part of the usual line up.

I’m sharing this secret with you today because it may change your life.

People, you have to add a packet of chili oil seasoning.

This little trick started when I went to Wendy’s with a friend of mine back in the day when they still had the salad bar with tubs of saltines and seasoning packets for their chili.  She grabbed a packet of the oil and poured it all over her burger and because I’m a follower, I did the same and it was like the skies parted and the angels sang. It adds a subtle spiciness and dimension that are unequaled in the ways of burgerdom and I’ve never eaten them any other way since.

Now, whatever you do, don’t read the ingredient label on the chili oil seasoning before you add it because I did and it kinda’ ruined my happy place.

But I rallied.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go answer a call from my mother.

Have a nice day.

Random Randomness: The Friday Edition

1.  I currently have an unnatural obsession with Butterfingers.

2.  In a bizarre turn of events, I re-injured my sprained wrist and in the process fixed it.  I was attempting to brush my hair with my bad hand when I heard a loud pop in my wrist which was accompanied by significant pain.  I stopped what I was doing, took an Advil or six and went to bed.  The next morning I woke up to no pain and complete mobility and I can now hold my coffee cup and pick up Travis without any problem at all and I don’t have to worry about wearing black so that I match my wrist splint.

Which is really nice when we’re in the midst of a heat wave.

3.  Today is the day for the pest control guy to come to my house.  I’m hoping he can eradicate the millipede convention in my laundry room and I’m also hoping he’s late for his appointment so I can get the house picked up before he gets here.

Just telling it like it is.

4.  I ate my first and last bologna and cheese sandwich since the 5th grade this week.

If I ever needed a reason to not let the food supply get so low in my house again, that was it.

5.    At breakfast this morning Travis randomly requested that I download Copacabana to his iTunes account which caused everyone to start singing it at the top of their lungs accompanied by  interpretive movement courtesy of me and JJ.

And before he feels compelled to protect his reputation leave a comment, I’ll issue the disclaimer that Mr. CPQ attended a  breakfast meeting and was in no way, shape, or form involved in the preceding activity and can therefore retain his Man Card.

Have a nice day.

Wonders Never Cease

The boys are not strangers to the inside of a restaurant. We eat out most Sunday lunches and we occasionally spring for a quick meal one other day during the week if I’ve been extra busy with work or just flat out don’t want to cook. All of the places we choose to eat are loud and family friendly because we know our tribe and even though we talk to them frequently about appropriate tone of voice, they tend to enjoy using their outside voice most of the time so we plan accordingly.

Monday night, though, Mr. CPQ came home to say we’d been invited to join another couple and a former city councilman at the downtown club for dinner and by the way, did the boys have dress clothes?

I thought, “Do the boys ever WEAR clothes?” might have been a better question.

We don’t really dress up during the summer because it’s hot and muggy and school and church are both casual environments, so the short answer was “No” and Mr. CPQ informed me that I needed to take the boys shopping because the club had a dress code and showing up in their Disney Pirates of the Caribbean t-shirts wasn’t going to cut it.

For them or me.

Now, I’ve been to this fancy shmancy place before. They have candles and fresh flowers on the table, heavy drapes over the windows, cloth napkins and real silverware. The waiters wear dark suits as they serve in a hushed environment as the pianist plays softly in the background.

Oh, this had disaster written all over it.

I sat the boys down and asked them if they remembered what I had said to them a million times at dinner. “Yes, ma’am. Would you do that if you were eating at the White House?”

I have this pathological fear that they will one day be invited to a state dinner and eat with one foot propped on their chair or twirling their spaghetti strand around like a lasso, sending it flying through the air and landing it in the lap of the social secretary and landing them on Page Six.

I told them that we had decided they were old enough to do something special and we were going to take them to a really nice place and that they were going to have to use their President Manners and wonder of wonders, they were so excited about such an experience that they didn’t fuss about having to wear closed shoes.

We arrived on time and as we stepped out of the elevator on the 21rst floor, I watched in quiet amazement as my boys smiled, shook hands politely with our company and walked quietly to our table.

They sat with their hands in their lap.

They did not put elbows on the table.

They chewed with their mouths closed.

They only twirled their spaghetti once.

WERE THESE MY KIDS?

They were.

I was so very proud of them.

Have a nice day.
P.S. Updated to correct a few typos because I wrote this on my phone in the hair salon this morning while the stylist was getting rid of the gray and cutting in side bangs.

P.P.S. The bangs  might drive me crazy before the day is out.

Deep breaths

We’re taking the boys out for their first dress code dinner tonight.

I’d like to think that nothing is going to happen but, hello, it’s me.

Or them.

Be sure and tune in tomorrow.

Have a nice day.

Tuesday Tidbits

1.  We went to Parent Curriculum Night at the boys’ elementary school last night to learn about what the expectations would be for 5th grade.  The first expectation was sitting in  kid-sized chairs and I must admit I didn’t handle that very well.

I also didn’t handle it well when the teacher started talking about new math.  I just don’t get new math and what was wrong with the old math in the first place?

2.  Related, I’m about to reach my limit on helping the children with their math homework.

Would different trains PLEASE stop leaving different stations at different times traveling at different rates of speed?

Can’t we all just get along?

3.  Sally From The Comments asked about pictures from the OnStar incident.  (Do y’all wish I’d stop talking about that?)  Kellie sent me this one that she snapped as I was trying to kick the door open and you’re welcome.

4.  While we’re at it, here are pictures of what we ate that night:

5. I tried making a fancy new recipe at home last week.  It was called Brick Chicken and the recipe said it was easy, moist and flavorful and my children were going to rise up and call me blessed.

And I ended up charring it into oblivion.

Have a nice day.

Monday Musings

1.  Friday morning after the OnStar/Spiderman Incident, I went to the car dealership and showed them my neat trick about how to exit a locked car and after scratching their heads and spending two hours trying to get it open, they came over to me in the waiting room and said “We have no idea how to open your car door.”

Dear Chevy:  Your people need a course entitled “Inspiring Confidence In Your Customer”.

He said that they had never seen anything like it (why me, Lord?) and they would have to cut out and replace the entire lock assembly because it was jammed beyond repair and oh, by the way, it would take several hours.  “Several” turned out to be EIGHT by the time it was all said and done and that means that I ate breakfast, lunch, and snack out of the vending machine thus breaking my vow to never eat processed food again.

Desperate times.

And Slim Jims just ain’t the same at 40 as they were at 19.

2.  And now that he’s back in town, I can tell you that Mr. CPQ was away for this entire ordeal.

3.  There’s a lot more that I could have written about the above point but this is me showing great restraint.

4.  Speaking of Mr. CPQ, I made him watch Hoarders with me yesterday afternoon as payback for having to watch unending coverage of the British Open and after a particularly gripping and compelling story he took it upon himself to remind me that he vowed in sickness and in health but not in crazy.

Maybe it’s a good thing he was gone last week.

5.  We had a Sunday School party yesterday afternoon and I need to tell the skinny people to please stop planning pool parties.  On the bright side, 90% of the women in the class are bloggers and everyone knew not to take pictures because the rest of us have Internet forums as well and you know what they say about paybacks. The kids had a great time swimming and the adults had a great time visiting and eating pound cake, and you have not lived until you’ve eaten Kimberly’s pound cake which was all kind of delicious but it made me a little sad to eat it because she and her family are up and moving to Texas and we will miss them.

And her cake.

But them more.

Have  a nice day.