How to take the cat’s temperature…

So my cat’s been sick for a month a couple of days and he’s sneezed one too many times for my liking, so I got around to calling the vet today.  Turns out, the vet was busy doing surgery (oh, I hate to see the bill for that one) and they couldn’t see me until tomorrow.  The clerk asked me to describe his symptoms and I said “Sneezy, and I think he has a fever.”  Now, what possessed me to say that, I do not know.  I am not a trained animal husbandrist.  Or whatever.  His nose was dry and warm, not wet and cold like it usually is.  This fact was the sole basis for my fever declaration.

“Do you know his temperature? No? Okay, then, we’ll need you to take it, because if his temp is over 103, then he needs to come in today and be hospitalized.” All of the sudden, the cat doesn’t seem so sick.  He’s feeling better, in a Monty Python Holy Grail sort of way.

Perky vet assistant continued.

“Have you taken a cat’s temperature before?”  That would be a negatory.

“Do you have any KY jelly?”  Umm, this is getting a little personal here, isn’t it?  I don’t even know your name.

“I recommend a digital thermometer – it’s faster.”  Check, but now I’m going to have to go to Target and get another one, because ain’t NO amount of sterilization gonna’ get this thing back into the kids’ mouths.

Armed with instructions, lubing supplies, and a thermometer, I approach the cat. So far so good.

The cat is placed in my lap.  Again, doing great.

Tip of thermometer approaches cat.

Cat shoots off across the room.

Owner approaches cat again.

Cat feints, shucks, and jives. Isn’t he supposed to be at death’s door?

Owner lunges at cat and traps him.

Owner wraps cat in a bear hug to hold him still.

Owner regrets having worn a dark sweater for this task.

Owner inserts thermometer.

Cat wiggles.

Thermometer exits.

Owner inserts thermometer.

Digits climb. Sloooooowly.  Too slowly for cat.

Cat wiggles.

Thermometer exits.

Owner sweating bullets.

Owner cursing wishing husband was home.

Owner lays on cat.

Cat almost dies.

Thermometer enters.

TOUCHDOWN! The bell goes off.

The cat runs off.

I look at the thermometer.


Dang cat.


6 responses to “How to take the cat’s temperature…

  1. You are SO funny…I needed to laugh tonight. Thanks.

  2. This would make a GREAT youtube video…Thanks for making me laugh, I, too, needed it very much!

  3. Hilarious!!!! I laughed until I cried! Thanks! I also needed a laugh today.

    funny, so funny.
    I’ve experienced this same scenario…except I don’t own a cat, just stubborn offspring.

  5. I got my laughs for the week!

  6. somehow this out-of-no-where entry popped up on my screen when i was at another site. so, i must ask, you once had a cat….whose name was not cosmo. what happened to the first cat??

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