Ask Church Lady Sus

Sus, did you really think you manage the boys by yourself in Big Church yesterday?

Dear Reader, I seriously think that there was a bit of a hangover effect from the magic pills on Friday.  I don’t know what possessed me to take the boys by myself to Big Church.  Mr. Sus was out of town for the day and I needed to stay for a picnic after church, so I momentarily lost my mind and decided they would remember how to behave.

They did not.

There was poking.

There was pinching.

There were moments they forgot we were Baptist and did a little Pentecostal handwaving.

There was loud stretching.  And saying “In Jesus Name, AMEN!” when the prayer had not quite reached the end point and they thought it should have.

Didn’t you take stuff with you?

Lost.

My.

Everlovin’.

Mind.

What was I thinking?  I had two pens and a tampon in my purse.

That’s it?  Nothing else?

They’re NINE – I was sitting on a pine log on the backside of nowhere for three hour church services at their age.  But I forget that all important GENDER difference.  Yeesh!  By the middle of service I was pulling out Moses and playing Hangman and scrolling through the screensavers just to provide a distraction.

Then Travis got the giggles.

Then Tommy and JJ got the giggles.

The lady in front of us did not.

Did you learn anything at all?

You mean other than finding out that the end caps can be pried off the tops of the chairs in our sanctuary?  Or that our preacher can be a bit wordy?  And that I need to teach Travis that church isn’t called “The Show” and that we can’t rewind it and play it all over again?

I did learn something, though.  I learned where the nearest exit door was, because trust me, I was searching.  And I think a few of my fellow parishioners were searching for me.

Well, what about this picnic thing?

The picnic was lovely.  It was an opportunity to get some of the special needs families in our church together for a time of fellowship. After spending an hour and a half in the service, I came in on two wheels looking to fellowship with the spiked punch.

Again, Baptist.  There was pink lemonade. 

Close enough.

My dear friend who helped coordinate the lunch made the mistake of asking Baby A why he was laughing. Oh, wrong kid to ask…. He was laughing over an inappropriate joke that he chose to share with her and the rest of the table.

Loudly.

Can we pray for you?

Help a sister out.

Have a nice day.

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15 responses to “Ask Church Lady Sus

  1. Oh my!

    Don’t you receive a special parenting waiver when you sit in church with triplet boys? I mean really, I can barely sit through big church without being crazy myself.

  2. You are a far braver mom than I ….I have not once taken the twins to church alone. You are my hero.

  3. Sounds like you made yourself one memory you will never forget. Note to self, always sit near the door! Thanks for the tip.

  4. Maybe Bedside Baptist would’ve been the easier call. But hangman on Moses? That’s a good mom for ya. My kids get the, “Stop touching my phone, already!” line most of the time, but I, too, give in when in times of great stress, as in yours, above. Yeah, I don’t have any apps, so David has to please himself by looking at stock quotes, and drama finds more places for my weather page. Fun if I ever heard of any…

  5. hahaha this cracked me up. you should come to my church – in the inner-city — all the kids are loud and badly behaved 🙂

  6. Bwah-ha-ha!!!

    I laugh with you, my dear. Not at you. Only because I’ve been stuck in Big Church one too many times with nothing but the rascals and a feminine product. Like last week’s ordination service. Nothing says preparing a young preacher for the ministry like pint-sized snort giggles during the laying on of the hands portion of the service. Awesome.

  7. Yeah, Bedside Baptist was really in your best interest yesterday, huh?

    Sounds like trauma to me. Sorry you had to endure it on TOP of the whole dentist visit last week. Hopefully the people around you have short memories and lots of grace.

  8. I can imagine your pain only because we have experienced it before. LOL

  9. Bwahahahaha!

    I’m laughing with you, not at you.

    Really.

  10. Funny! I have so been there and done that!

    Everyone use to lie to me and tell that they couldn’t even hear my Kayla, when she acted up in “big church.” Are you kidding me? When she cried you could hear her in the next state!!!

  11. Beside the fact that I could totally relate if I actually would take my kids into Big Church, I just found this entire post just, well, swell. You are one funny lady.

    My question is why didn’t you take a “magic pill” before entering ye good ole baptist church. Then you wouldn’t have CARED what your kids did or how others responded.:) Just a thought for next time…if there is a next time….

  12. Ah yes, the ever “playful” tampon..one of my fave kid stories is when Adam came home to find many of them unwrapped in the bathroom floor, he looked at me and I said “one was using as a teether, the other a rocket…but every.one.was.happy.” He walked out and didn’t say a word..good boy.

    Thank goodness for the your Magic Phone.

    Glad you got to go to the picnic!!

  13. I have no idea what that must have been like for you. My children are always perfectly behaved at church.

    I can’t believe I just lied about church. That seems so wrong.

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