Martha

So I follow Martha on Twitter.  Yes, THAT Martha. The one that tweets about extracting fragrance from her peonies and cantering in the country and haying her fields.  It’s so dadblamed depressing a delight to follow her and feel completely inadequate inspired to keep my home from being declared a federal disaster area a beautiful relaxing pit of despair haven for my family.

Before the children came along and I still had creative brain cells,  my friend Kate and I would spend time together making crafts out of Martha’s magazine.  We’d pick a project, head to the craft store together to gather supplies, and spend the afternoon scalding ourselves with the hot glue gun creating gorgeous concoctions that neither of us would dream of ever setting out on a shelf now that we have kids would have been able to make without Martha’s precise instructions.

One Easter I was hosting several friends at our house and I decided that I would be an obnoxiously pretentious hostess make name tags for the dinner table.  I saw this beautifully intricate tulip tag pattern in Martha’s magazine and momentarily lost my mind thought it would be perfect for the meal.  I dutifully measured, cut, swore, folded, taped, swore again, rolled, and creased tiny pieces of paper into the ugliest flower shape you’ve ever seen.

It took me two hours to make one.

I had invited eighteen people.

I quickly decided they were all adults and knew their name and could sit wherever they wanted.

Martha would be proud.

Have a nice day.

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13 responses to “Martha

  1. Oh my, don’t get me started on Martha…she drives me nuts. I have this distinct memory of the Guilt-queen…I was in the labor / delivery room, hooked to pitocin, waiting on my epidural..and who’s on the TV?? MARTHA! (this was pre-prison) She was teaching me how to iron a man’s dress shirt…she said that you should spend 10-15 minutes for each shirt to iron it PROPERLY. Who makes these rules?

    Maybe it was because I was about to deliver a 8+ pound baby boy, but that day sealed my membership in the “Martha, she drives me nuts” club.

    Happy Monday.

  2. Oh, Martha.

    And I SO wish that you had a picture of the tulip tag.

  3. I love her linens at Kmart. The best thing about them, I don’t have to make them.

  4. Don’t get the glass storage dishes with the lids, though – all the lids develop tears in them quickly. Cheap stuff.

  5. I am so glad I was not drinking coffee while reading this…cuz coffee through the nose is very unattractive.

  6. oh.me.

    the STACKS and STACKS of creative books my Nana and I used to get “in” to are ginormous…she LOVED Martha..may she rest in peace (Nana, not Martha) and I agree..they were usually more trouble than then beauties or NOT they turned out to be…

    Nice try, CPQ. A for Effort.

  7. And she also has a website, in case we weren’t all feeling inadequate enough today. 😉

    Scalding fingers with the hot glue gun. Good times. I remember them well.

  8. Wait — where’s the picture of the ugly tulip thing you made?? You can’t tell us this whole story and not provide photographic evidence for us to laugh at you —- I mean believe you. 😉

  9. I once watched Martha make her own marshmallows. That’s the day I vowed to never watch her again because I draw the line at making my own marshmallows. Not. gonna. happen. EVER.

  10. Ridiculous that’s what she is. I mean, I’m ALMOST as impressive a housemaker as she is. But I’m not ridiculous about it . . .

  11. I used to love Martha until I realized she made me feel inadequate. Remember the show where she showed us all how to fold fitted sheets? That was the last time I watched her. I now roll my fitted sheets up without any guilt.

  12. Pingback: Martha might be on to something. « In the Dailies

  13. Martha came straight from the devil just to oppress SAHM. I’d love to give her a couple toddlers (and fire her housekeepers) and see if she could still pull off all the awesomeness. I really don’t think she could.

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