What’s a little food poisoning between friends?

Mr. CPQ and I had an all-too-familiar discussion after our drive home from the beach today.

(I feel slightly guilty for the auto-post Monday, but I WAS cleaning like a mad-woman when I wrote it Saturday right before we left.  I just didn’t want anyone to know the house was empty for the last few days.

Because all my readers are burglars.

The whole thing blew up in my face anyway because I was Twittering about my beach misadventures with friends, so let’s just say I won’t be getting my MENSA application in the mail anytime soon.)

And slightly related, I have a friend whose mom is a member of MENSA and this friend’s mom went on a date with James Brown.  That has absolutely NOTHING to do with the point of this post that I’m having an awful hard time getting to, but I thought it was a cool story nonetheless, so the next time you’re playing the Kevin Bacon game with James Brown instead of Kevin Bacon, you’ll have three degrees of separation from him.  You to me to my friend to her mom to James.

Don’t you now have new meaning to your life?

But we weren’t discussing James Brown, were we?  Can we please get to the point? Mr. CPQ and I were discussing (finally!)how long food is safe outside of refrigeration and/or past its expiration date.  Today’s 90 millionth rehashing of our opposing views was over a package of deli ham that he had purchased on Sunday to have in our condo for snacking.

As an aside, the man has deli issues.  Can I tell you how many packages of deli meat get tossed in this house because he HAS to have deli meat in the fridge but he’s never home to eat it?

ANYWAY, we were unloading the car this afternoon in the 90 degree heat when I discovered the grocery sack in the back containing warm ham.  Eew…just typing those words gives me the willies.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: We need to toss this ham.

Him:  Why?  It hasn’t even been opened.

Me: It’s been in a hot car.

Me: Unrefrigerated.

Him: (Incredulous that I might be tossing ham he forgot he had) BUT IT’S HERMETICALLY SEALED!

Me: It’s pork. In the heat. UNREFRIGERATED.

Him: Are you concerned that we will have the only known case of trichonosis this country has seen since the 1950s?

Me: No, I’m concerned about appearing on the 11:00 news. “Family of 5. Felled by hot ham.” You think I look bloated NOW in a swimsuit.  Just wait til I have a stomach full of e. coli.

He rolled his eyes.

He does that a lot.

Him:  You know, buzzards have enzymes in their stomachs that let them eat bad stuff and not get sick.

Me: I’m not a buzzard.

Him: I can be the buzzard.

I rolled my eyes.

I do that a lot.


This is Craig at the store buying his ham.  He expressly told me that he does NOT consent to this picture because it makes his bee-hind look big. I told him “It’s my blog, and I’m annoyed at you for halfway considering endangering the lives of your family for a sandwich.  The picture stays.”

Have a nice day.


23 responses to “What’s a little food poisoning between friends?

  1. Today’s my birthday, and I was just checking your blog before I shut things down for the day. So glad I did…you crack me up!

  2. Laughing out loud.

    Thanks. I needed that.

  3. I think our husbands could be related!! Does yours also think its ok to leave food out all night, wake up in the morning saying “this needs to go in the fridge, I will eat it tonight” ewwww

  4. Around here, it’s yogurt containers that meet their maker before we ingest them. Why I buy them and not eat them, I’ll never know.

    I think my husband is part buzzard. Our men have something in common.

    Girl, you make me laugh! Can I live your life for one day just to have funny things happen to me?

  5. The Mister would have eaten that ham…and Kendra’s yogurt…(comment above)…I wouldn’t touch it, or feed it to my children, or anyone else. But i have survived salmonella once in my lifetime and I don’t ever intend to have it (or any other food borne illness) again.

    So glad you are back!

  6. I would have thrown it out too . . . and maybe let him eat it and get new ham for the kiddos and I 🙂

  7. Are we married to twins? I could go on a really nice vacation on the money I’ve spent on lunch meat that was never eaten. Every time I ask if there is anything he needs from the store, he always says lunch meat. He wants it from the deli. So I buy the lunchmeat from the deli and I have them slice it thick like he likes it. A week later I throw it in the trash and we start all over again. You’d think I’d catch on after 19 years.

  8. MENSA + James Brown?? that’s interesting…
    Don’t you love it when southern people say ‘that’s interesting’..it never means anything good.

    I worked at Delta Airlines with a guy that kissed Julia Roberts when they were in middle school. They were still friends and he (and his wife) had the number to her agent…

    Hot ham…needs to go in the trash. I mean, really, is anyone in this country hungry enough to eat hot ham? But his willingness to be a buzzard is endearing.

    How was the beach? Glad you’re back!

  9. I have the opposite problem. K was pre-med in college and took way too many science classes. He doesn’t eat leftovers that are more than 1 (2 at the very most) days old. He’s iffy about consuming things on their expiration date and is adamant that you can’t go by the expiration date if the product has already been opened. I throw GOOD stuff away…..or sneak “contaminated” food onto his plate from time to time.

    Of course science laws don’t apply to his mother’s house, his mother who keeps food on the back porch in the winter when the fridge is full. Because we all know that winter weather keeps the porch at a consistent cooling temperature. Sigh.

  10. G rolls his eyes daily! Drives me crazy. We will be talking, he will start rolling…and I always say “thanks, my day is not complete without some eye rolling! “. Ok, sorry….had to get that off my chest.

    I would have tossed the ham too..no question! I once found some old cheese I had left in the trunk(that was an obvious toss).

  11. OK, continuing on with the James Brown/Kevin Bacon/MENSA thing. Well…maybe not. BUT–my point (and I do have one) is that my best friend in college was a food science major and I took a bunch of Microbiology classes…so NO I would not consume hot ham.
    I know too much.

    How many weird blog hits have you gotten today with the phrase hot ham?

  12. I’d be happy to donate $5 to the new ham fund.

  13. YOU.ARE.A.RIOT!!
    Thanks for the laugh.

  14. All the major topics of this post can be summed up by the following:

    I feel good! Na na na na na na na. I knew that I would, now.

  15. A neighbor of mine knew Iranian presidential candidate Moussavi personally, back when he lived in Iran. 2 degrees of separation, baby! No wonder I can’t stop reading the news coming out of that particular corner of the world…

  16. Do you watch the show Criminal Minds? If not and you want to decrease pork consumption in your house very quickly find the episode with the pigs.


  17. Oh, you gals are so funny. CPQ you are funny, but the comments are just a riot!

    I will add my family’s quirks — we waste LOADS of deli meat and yogurt – along with bread and milk. But, my hubby is like Whimzie’s. He smells everything and checks the date before it passes his lips – even Ketchup! CRAZY!

  18. My mother is convinced if it has any sort of “preservation” liquid in it..ie: VINEGAR..it’s good til Kingdom come…like pickles, salad dressing, ketchup..nope, NEVER goes bad. And, she’d probably eat something she left out on the stove ALL NIGHT…but, that’s her not me.

    Deli ham is my nemisis. I’m talkin’ about “I’d like a pound of black forest ham, shaved please” deli ham. I get the whole flippin’ pound b/c Adam thinks 1/4 pounders in ham sandwiches should be an option. Then, he takes a sandwich or two, decides to take something else on Thursday and the rest of it sits in the meat tray to spoil in NO time!

    Yet, the DAK rectangle ham that would last 847 years in that same tray isn’t an option. Oh well. Mr. CPQ is a hoot, I tell ya.

    Oh, and I suffered a stomach bacteria once …MAJOR antibiotics and just eww.

    Hmm, this comment was all about me and not really addressing anything you wrote about today. Sorry.

  19. Today my husband came home and then appeared in the doorway munching on a piece of salmon and says “Hey, is this fish from today?” AFTER he ate it. I think this is also a sad commentary on how often I leave leftovers and dirty dishes sitting in the kitchen.

  20. Speaking of food left in the trunk of the car, but having nothing to do with ecoli…

    I once left a carton of icecream in my car. In July. In Arkansas. For 3 days. My car still stinks.

  21. “I can be the buzzard.”
    HA! Too funny!

  22. heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee

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