Today’s post brought to you by PMS

one

Ten Things I’d Rather Talk About Than What I’m About To Say

 

1.  I’d rather wish my husband a happy birthday.

2.  I’d rather talk about the purse poodle at the Cheesecake Factory that made me regret eating there.

3.  I’d rather talk about eating falafel for the first time.

4.  I’d rather eat more falafel and do less talking.

5.  I’d rather talk about my cat’s propensity for bringing in and dismembering crickets.

6.  I’d rather talk about ImNotNed posting the Darcy clip from YouTube in my comments section yesterday.

7.  I’d rather do a giveaway (and, heads up, I WILL be doing it this Friday and you don’t want to miss it.)

8.  I’d rather talk about my plans to meet up with Tiffani and hopefully a couple of other bloggers on an upcoming trip to Georgia.

9.  I’d rather confess to stealing/borrowing money from my Travis’ wallet this morning.

10.  I’d rather laugh and be happy than write what comes next.

I’m frustrated, angry, embarrassed, overwhelmed, dismayed, and every ugly word and emotion that you can think of, and most of it is directed toward myself.  There were some beautifully encouraging comments yesterday about my parenting and I felt completely inadequate and undeserving of them because most days I hang on by my ever lovin’ fingernails and there are days like yesterday where I just go over the edge.

Yesterday the doctor’s lips moved and said “I’m seeing signs of pre-diabetes in your child” and all I could hear was “You are a colossal failure as a mother.”  And all day the words rang in my head and all day my head spun and all day I fought back tears and all day I could barely speak.

I spent an hour last night making detailed meal plans wondering how I’m supposed to overnourish two children per doctor’s orders and restrain the other one.  And fighting resentment in my heart that I can no longer find enjoyment in my baking hobby.  And fighting anger that it’s going to primarily be up to ME to make sure all the guidelines are followed. And fighting anger at a child that is undisciplined in his habits.  And fighting anger at myself for feeling angry with a child.  And fighting the thoughts that tell me it’s all my fault when I know I’ve put healthy meals on the table and made healthy snacks available to the kids.  And fighting the pity party that threatens to take over.

I hate pity parties.

Hate them.

Refuse to answer their invitation.

And yet that ugly voice whispers, “Another major issue?  Really?”

I have no idea what God’s trying to teach me.

None.

Maybe it’s that I’m too complacent.

Maybe it’s that I need to exert more leadership.

Maybe I need a new hobby.

I’m sure He will reveal it to me, and I want to be open to it, but right now I’m mad and I am not having a very nice day.

I hope yours is better.

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47 responses to “Today’s post brought to you by PMS

  1. Oh Susan. I’m so sorry.

    I will pray that today you will choose to hear only the voice of Truth and not the lies that are screaming at you.

    Love and prayers.

  2. oh, dude.
    I can not even know exactly how to respond. I am all too familiar with this kind of fight and I am going to join Meredith in praying that only the Voice of Truth will get through to you today.

    And you know what? the Bible says you are ALLOWED to be angry! It just cautions us not to sin. You get to be mad at the situation. You get to be mad for all the reasons. Then, because you know that God is in control, you get to have peace in the storm, and you can let Him turn the mad into action that will make changes and move forward.

    Also, you are allowed to escape it all and come visit your wheezy friend in CA who would love to just sit and chat for hours and pretend yesterday never happened.

    just sayin’

  3. I’m with Meredith. As mamas, we all have that little demon sitting on our shoulders, whispering in our ears at what a failure we are. We should just learn to flick them off and focus on the truths that we are the best mamas to our kids that we can be, and that despite all of our efforts neither they nor us are perfect. I pray that you guys are able to weather these changes and come out a stronger family!

  4. You could be a mother that doesn’t care enough to take their children to a doctor for a wellness check.

    I’m just sayin’.

  5. I’m so very sorry that you are having all of these bad feelings. . . I certainly can relate. . . I once heard someone say that mother is spelled MOT-Guilt-HER. I think the guilt we feel as mothers is a tool Satan uses to make us constantly feel defeated and try and take away the abundant life that Christ desires us to have.

    I’ll be praying for you.

    I hope I can meet up with you girls if you plan a trip to GA!!

  6. Well, I come over here because I think you are an awesome mom. You look to God. You approach each day with humor. You take things in stride. You love your kids. Your life touches so many others through the thoughtful things you do and say.

    Maybe God isn’t trying to teach you anything. Maybe you are part of another person’s lesson. Sometimes we just never know. Trust and move forward, just like you are. I think you are an inspiration.

  7. I come over to read you cuz you’re a great Mom, a NORMALl mom . . . and if we didn’t question ourselves daily, and learn from our mistakes and struggles and acomplishments what kind of Moms would we be then? notsogood, I’m thinkin’
    Even still, I’m sayin’ a prayer for you to ease you over the hump. 🙂
    I’m just sayin’

  8. Boy it would be really easy to blame the problems our children have on bad mothering…then we could just take it for them and be done with it. However even our most precious things are…dare I say it…human, and being human sometimes sucks. I have a quote on my wall that I read DAILY…cause it is true “Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It is just the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes all the difference” Your children will be OK not because you took it on the chin for them but because you chose to teach them how to cope.

    Good luck and much love
    Amy

  9. I am sending a virtual hug that will have to wait until an IRL one on Thursday. You are being showered with prayers today, and always.

  10. As Amber says, it’s okay to be mad. Throw your fit and enjoy it. And then pick yourself up off the floor, wipe up the flung spittle and remember that God is with you. He allows you these challenges not because He dislikes you, but because He trusts you to handle them as He wants them to be handled. Stand strong and do what has to be done knowing you are the best one to do this job.

  11. Dealing with your child’s nutritional issues are THE WORST. I HATE it. And I hate it for you.
    Hang in there, momma. You’ll get through it- with a lot of prayer and a lot of help from the One who is our salvation in a time of distress (Isaiah 33:3). And this is a time of distress, no doubt.

    And have a nice day. 🙂

  12. Sending you my prayers.

    And #2? Would love to hear more. Is this about a purse? A poodle? or a weird dish they serve there?

  13. my dearest CPQ,

    if there’s one thing i’ve learned from MANY doctor’s visits just like yours (& the rigorous food boot camp that has followed . . . & then morphed many times upon hearing new concerns), it’s to look back at the past in faith. faith that will trust the character of our gentle, gracious, understanding Father.

    every day for the past 5/10 yrs (respectively), we have had to do our best to make moment-to-moment choices as moms. and many times, our best is absolutely just hangin’ on by those fingernails! (my fingernails sure show it, how ’bout yours?) and the Lord knows that, CPQ. and He is pleased by that (even though you & I may not be) — not b/c of how well or poorly we “performed” or “measured up,” but b/c our hearts were earnestly set on pleasing Him. praise God He’s lookin’ at our hearts, not at what we have or haven’t done.

    and so by faith alone, I take the Lord at His word & choose grace ea. time those failure-type thoughts/feelings lurk their ugly heads. in faith, I choose grace when i think about the times that i attempted to let him “cry it out” as a baby, not knowing at the time that the reason it wasn’t working was b/c he was suffering. by faith alone, I choose to trust the character of our understanding Father when i think about the almonds that i gave him when he was 2 b/c they were “healthy” — not knowing that that’s what was making his arms look like they were on fire.
    Again. And again. And again. Have I had “opportunities” to choose grace in moments like these. So much so that in the thickest season, I even had to ask the Lord if I was abusing His grace by claiming it so much. And He reminded me that infinite means infinite.

    so remember: this internal battle isn’t yours to fight, CPQ. it has already been won, my friend. the victory is simply ours to claim. ours to choose. (but we must choose it.) and when our pride hinders us from resisting grace, the devil wins. but when we allow ourselves to be humbled enough to receive it, the devil is silenced. and it’s then that my heart finds a freedom like no other!

    and you know, I think THAT is the reason that He allowed me to make some of those “unaware” choices in the past – so that my heart could experience the fullness & magnificence of His indescribable grace. and as for those choices & what they may have done, i trust in the reality that His healing power is greater than any of my choices, so He can heal & restore FAR beyond whatever pain or damage I may have unknowingly caused. (yeah, def. another “choice” faith on that one.)

    i will be praying for you today, CPQ. I pray that in faith alone, you will take your thoughts captive to truth, w/ is grace. Grace for today. And infinite grace for all of our yesterdays.
    infinite!

  14. oh. that news sickens me. i’m so sorry. i have a friend dealing with diabetes right now with her 10 year old. Look to God, my friend. He is the only one who has all the answers. My first thought is that He gave you this child because He knew, in his infinite wisdom, that you would take care of him best. You will. You are his mom, his cheerleader, his advocate. You love him more than anything. And you will learn to make meals that all of you will eat–and enjoy 🙂 I’ve heard that support groups for diabetes are awesome and can provide a lot of understanding and support. I would check that out. Maybe you’ll find a new funny friend! Prayers and hugs.

  15. Right now I wished you lived next door. So i could just come over and hug your neck, and tell you things that are true, like how you are a wonderful Mom, and how I love you muchly, and how your boys love you more than that…but I know it won’t change the circumstances or the trials you face when you are all alone.

    But I am praying for you, and I am going to email you a something specific that I have been praying for you for some time now…

    Love you…You are not alone.

  16. So….firefox has now crashed twice, on me, in 5 minutes. But I MUST MUST at least tell you that I am praying for you and feel your mother’s heart. The guilt we carry as mom’s. I’m with you on this — let’s lay all of it at the Lord’s feet!

  17. Well..at least you didn’t let your baby poke a kazoo in his eye and have possible tear drainage problems and then 2 days later let a fan fall on his head..wherein had you taken him to urgent care they would have called social services. No..you are great momma who took their child in for a well visit and will help him to learn to make good choices. I was an overweight kid and I wish, wish, wish my momma had known how to help me so that I wouldn’t still be battling weight issues as an adult. I’ll say a prayer for you! God’s grace is sufficient for us…

  18. oh girl, i am so sorry. i dont even know what to tell you except that i’m sorry, and I will be praying. you ARE a good mo

  19. jayci apparently wanted to hit submit before i was ready on that one.

  20. I love you and your sweet boys and that is why it is always a privilege to pray for y’all.
    Hugs.

  21. You are a GREAT momma, and I have seen that first hand!! Not just from reading your blog, but from our little meeting we had a few months ago!!

    Please know, that many prayers will be lifted for you and your boys!!

    Love ya!!

  22. It feels so terribly generic to say that I’m praying for you and your precious children and that hugs and thoughts are shooting your way.

    But I only know to do that.

    Because I don’t know why life gives us crap and then leaves us to deal with it and clean it up. I don’t know why great amazing families like you seem to get blow after blow. I don’t know any of that stuff.

    But I do know that our Daddy is big. Bigger than doctors. And a diagnosis. And an illness. And bigger than us. And that though we don’t understand it, He does.

    So I’m taking you to Him today.

    I love you.

  23. Susan, I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this! But don’t blame yourself. You are a great mom! Maybe it’s not even so much that God is trying to teach you something…sometimes crap just happens. But He will get you through it and He can USE it. Don’t beat yourself up.

    Sending you a virtual hug! 🙂

  24. So often I have something to say to someone that might be encouraging and either forget or don’t do it in a timely manner. Today is better late than never. I’ve been planning since Saturday to tell you that I so enjoyed watching just how tender and loving you were with Travis at the campfire. You were speaking softly & gently with him and although I couldn’t hear what you were saying, I just kept thinking about what a patient and loving and long suffering and, clearly, wonderful mother you are. I am so sorry for what the doctor said AND for what you heard. I hear those things all the time and I just have to keep quoting Jesus and saying Satan, get behind me. I love what Christen said–that maybe this is about your part in someone else’s lesson. Your boys know you are a wonderful mother. Mr. CPQ knows it. Your Father knows it, and He made those boys personally, specifically, for you, and He knows you can handle it. I’ll sure be praying for you to not waver in the strength that we all know you have. Hang in there, and thanks for letting us know how we can pray for all of you.

  25. Now it is my turn to revisit hoping an adequate response will come to me. I have none. Know only that I wish I could hug you and share tea with you and somehow help with this great burden. God is gracious and He is good. Of this I have no doubt. Yet, He is impossible to understand. While I wait impatiently for His return, I pray for you.

    I’m glad you mentioned Imnotned’s comment from yesterday. I now know I can hold my breath in excess of four minutes. 😉 I gotta buy that movie. Renting just isn’t enough.

  26. My heart is broken for you. And you’re not alone. I wish I weren’t a continent away from you. Oh, how I wish.

    Praying.

    Here to bear this with you any way I can, Susan. love ,gretchen

  27. Oh Susan. I’m so sorry. You may not think this at all, but you are so inspiring! You’re angry and upset and still you know God has a plan. You are a GREAT mother and this is NOT your fault.

    I miss you.

  28. Can’t even come close to writing something more profound and blessing-filled as the other comments before me.

    So, I’ll share that I live the ‘someone eats differently than the others’ lifestyle. It will become easy…and you won’t notice it after a while.

    God knows that you can do this. Your blog readers knows that you can do this. The enemy knows that you can do this…and he knows how well you are going to do this…that’s why the lie factory is in full motion.

    Praying for you..love you and your sweet boys!

  29. i just came back to read the comments. you have some wonderful friends. you are truly blessed. God has given you many friends to walk along side you on your journey.

  30. Oh, Susan! I am adding you to my prayers. This just stinks. But looking on the brighter side, how blessed you are to have such wonderful friends! These comments are so so wonderful. Take heart!

  31. My sweet Sus.

    Just. Damn.Damnity.Damn.

    Love you muchly and know that we’ll be here w/ help, encourage, cry fests, victories and vents…whatever you need.

    ps–so very excited that we only have 2.5 weeks til we can sit down together…it’ll be good for both of us!

  32. Hey Sis,
    I am so sorry! This just made me cry!

    God has given your boys a wonderful Mother who in His strength can handle all these things. I’m so proud of you!

    I agree with Meredith! Keep listening to that voice of Truth! I’m praying that God will strengthen you and bring you peace.

    Love and Blessing! Hang in there!

  33. I’m so sorry for this news! But I second (or third or thirty-fifth!) the above comments: don’t let the guilt or anger get the better of you!! You are a WONDERFUL Mama, from what I know of you via this amazing blog and witty reparte which I look forward to reading each day. I come here for inspiration, a smile, and a model of good Christian parenting from a Momma who loves her Lord, her husband, and her boys with all her heart and soul. So, menus be darned – you will all get through it. And I know it won’t be easy, but if there is a bright side, perhaps these eating habits you can instill in your children in the early years will make their choices easier when they are out on their own in the world. We have been trying to be healthier in our house now for the last few months (due to hubbie and my metabolism’s “slow down” or in my case – going on strike apparently!) and it is not always fun, but necessary! And the kids are slowly getting on board – and when we involve them in the choices and shopping, it helps even though they are still small. Good luck, CPQ – if anyone can handle this – you can! (and it’s ok to have a little fit about it – and then put your big girl pants on when you’re done!!! we’ll support you!)

  34. When we got the diagnosis for severe nut allergies (among other things) in our son, all I could think about were the cases of Reeses cups I ate each week during pregnancy along with a few PBJ sandwiches every day for lunch. I continued this nut hearty diet throughout nursing. With no food allergies in our family, I didn’t know not to be restricting those foods, but I still have these crazy fears that he’ll die of anaphylactic shock and it all be my fault. Lies from Satan, for sure.

    You are an awesome mom and I read your blog for inspiration in my own parenting. There are scores of diabetes friendly recipes out there that I’m sure you’ll turn into super delish meals and desserts for your family. You are so creative!

    I’ll be lifting you and your sweet boys up in prayer during this next new challenge.

    Oh, and I’ve been reading Bruce Wilkerson’s book on Rewards, and it’s been a good reminder that while life isn’t fair, we are rewarded throughout all eternity for every sacrifice, every struggle endured, every act of service, every prayer, every bit of reliance upon God, etc. Your paycheck is coming and it will last forever!

  35. I could just “ditto” Sally (but I’m trying to figure out who in the world Sally is…!) I too loved listening to you with T. that night as I have at other times when we have been together & he is there. Isn’t it good to know that we CAN just get down right MAD sometimes, but our God loves us just the same?! When my kids got mad at me or at circumstances, I still loved them… & it is a picture of how our Heavenly Daddy still loves us. Thanks for your transparency & willingness to share your thoughts & feelings. So often we try to hide behind a mask of “everything is just fine” & others don’t even know to pray for us. Look at all of us who will be praying for you & love you!!!!

  36. Okay, got to add this on: I read Sally’s comment to DH & he said, “That’s just what you said about Susan Sat. night after we came home.”

  37. First of all, HELLOOOO??!!! You have amazing friends and bloggy friends!

    Second of all, HELLOOOO??!! Reading your post today puts my trivial little trials in perspective. My mama temper tantrum over disobedience and an expensive broken favorite vase is silly. I’ve asked God and my children for forgiveness so I guess I need to get over my guilt. I lost it. I failed.

    YOU.DID.NOT. Girl, you are amazing…and I don’t even know you IRL, but I KNOW this. I am SO sorry that this has been put on your already full plate, but you will get through this, too. With HIS strength. And because I have no wisdom to impart other than that which I’ve heard from other people here…I’ll echo Mer….Voice of Truth. Casting Crowns has a song about this…

    Love ya. I’m praying for ya.

  38. All of these ladies are right. I know two things:

    1. You ARE a great mom!
    2. God will stand by you through this.

    I would love to know why some things happen, but some things will remain a mystery. Know that I am praying for you as you have for me many times of late. Keep hanging on by those finger nails. I love you, friend.

  39. CPQ, I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Please know you are in my prayers.
    I hate when the enemy puts all those lies and thoughts in our heads. It is so evident that you are an awesome mom. I hope you have a much better day tomorrow.

  40. Quote from a Bible study I am going through right now…
    “We can only experience Jesus’ victory when we have something to overcome. Sometimes the Lord removes the raging storm, while at other times He gives us the grace to endure it.”

  41. Oh dear friend, thank you for your sweet note today and when you were dealing with all of this you wrote me. All I can say to the above notes is Amen and Amen sister. I also thought how God has blessed us women to be able to encourage and spur each other on through technology. Sounds like you have great friends on here( they so help me too). Love you!!

  42. Chula,
    Si Dios no pensara que sos fuerte, no te dejaría pasar por todo lo que has pasado. El sabe con quien puede contar y a quien puede estirar y hasta donde. El que acusa es otro. Dios siempre es bueno y vos lo sabés, yo se 🙂
    Me hacés falta. Seguís siendo la misma luchadora de siempre. Te acordás cuando corríamos el famoso 600 yd. dash? Siempre me ganaste!
    Quisiera ser parte de tu vida, echarte la mano en momentos difìciles, reirnos juntas y juntarnos para tomar café y hablar de todo y nada. Te quiero mucho y siento tanto que tengás que enfrentar otra prueba. Animo!

  43. I don’t know who Laurie is…but she is precious…and apparently there is a story behind the 600 yard dash….which makes me laugh because Sus, you never told us you were a runner.

    So, there’s a story there. And i want to know it! 😉

  44. Sometimes I wonder about this whole blog thing. Is it honoring to God? Is it a waste of time? And then I read a post like this … and the beautiful comments… and I know this is the real reason. Beautiful, far-away/ cyber friends coming together to lift up a sister that we all care so deeply about. Yes. This is worth it.
    Oh, that you may feel the love of our Father, reaching out through the fingertips of so many, dear friend!

    Be encouraged. You ARE an excellent mom. I’ve seen from 1st hand experience. Love you, girl.

  45. I somehow missed this post, till your current one about changing food habits made me scroll back. I mourn with you at the not-so-good news. It sounds like you have yet another challenge to contend with. God will see you through. At our Moms in Touch prayer meeting today, we prayed about how God is a God who hears. Some neat verses: Ps. 17:6: “I have called upon Thee, for Thou wilt answer me, O God; Incline Thine ear to me, hear my speech.” And Micah 7:7: “But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.” I won’t go on, but a couple other neat ones you might want to look up are Jonah 2:2, Ps. 34:6-7, Is. 65:24. May He be with your hands and your mind as you learn new things in the kitchen.

  46. Sus….I’m realizing that I must have missed many posts that you have written. Posts that I wished that I had read earlier. My boys seem to gain weight easily….I find we are always trying to eat healthy and always trying to keep active. That’s a good thing, but sometimes I just want to pig out and not exercise and just veg. I’ve felt like a bad mom because people look at them and always comment about how big they are. Oh, I could go on and on….but I won’t. Just sending a hug.

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