Ten Things I’d Rather Talk About Than What I’m About To Say
1. I’d rather wish my husband a happy birthday.
2. I’d rather talk about the purse poodle at the Cheesecake Factory that made me regret eating there.
3. I’d rather talk about eating falafel for the first time.
4. I’d rather eat more falafel and do less talking.
5. I’d rather talk about my cat’s propensity for bringing in and dismembering crickets.
6. I’d rather talk about ImNotNed posting the Darcy clip from YouTube in my comments section yesterday.
7. I’d rather do a giveaway (and, heads up, I WILL be doing it this Friday and you don’t want to miss it.)
8. I’d rather talk about my plans to meet up with Tiffani and hopefully a couple of other bloggers on an upcoming trip to Georgia.
9. I’d rather confess to stealing/borrowing money from my Travis’ wallet this morning.
10. I’d rather laugh and be happy than write what comes next.
I’m frustrated, angry, embarrassed, overwhelmed, dismayed, and every ugly word and emotion that you can think of, and most of it is directed toward myself. There were some beautifully encouraging comments yesterday about my parenting and I felt completely inadequate and undeserving of them because most days I hang on by my ever lovin’ fingernails and there are days like yesterday where I just go over the edge.
Yesterday the doctor’s lips moved and said “I’m seeing signs of pre-diabetes in your child” and all I could hear was “You are a colossal failure as a mother.” And all day the words rang in my head and all day my head spun and all day I fought back tears and all day I could barely speak.
I spent an hour last night making detailed meal plans wondering how I’m supposed to overnourish two children per doctor’s orders and restrain the other one. And fighting resentment in my heart that I can no longer find enjoyment in my baking hobby. And fighting anger that it’s going to primarily be up to ME to make sure all the guidelines are followed. And fighting anger at a child that is undisciplined in his habits. And fighting anger at myself for feeling angry with a child. And fighting the thoughts that tell me it’s all my fault when I know I’ve put healthy meals on the table and made healthy snacks available to the kids. And fighting the pity party that threatens to take over.
I hate pity parties.
Refuse to answer their invitation.
And yet that ugly voice whispers, “Another major issue? Really?”
I have no idea what God’s trying to teach me.
Maybe it’s that I’m too complacent.
Maybe it’s that I need to exert more leadership.
Maybe I need a new hobby.
I’m sure He will reveal it to me, and I want to be open to it, but right now I’m mad and I am not having a very nice day.
I hope yours is better.