In which I rethink my strategy

So I went to the mall yesterday to buy a swimsuit for my upcoming vacation because I am clearly lacking in ways to self-inflict emotional pain.  I started out at Lands End, but couldn’t really find the style that I liked.

The style I like might best be called “bathing caftan” instead of “bathing suit”, but it doesn’t seem to have quite caught on yet.

I tried the suit with the little skirt, but that seemed to accentuate the fact I was trying to hide something.

I tried the suit with the higher cut leg, but the amount of blindingly white exposed flesh was a bit much.

I tried the Miracle Suit, but the results weren’t miraculous enough to justify the $135 price tag.

And, just for kicks, I tried a bikini which turned out to be a bit teeny boppery.

And more importantly, teeny.

Trips to two more stores didn’t melt off an extra thirty pounds improve my situation.  I was about to throw a hissy fit in the privacy of my flourescent lit 4 x 6 cell when Mr. CPQ called to save the day by offering to meet me for lunch.

I drowned my sorrows in a cheeseburger combo (and I wonder where my extra 30 pounds are coming from) while he said vaguely supportive things like “Can I have one of your onion rings?” and it was then and there that I decided that a good tan is overrated and Jamaica is best seen by meandering the streets rather than sunning myself on the beach, so I hightailed it to J. Jill and found some boyfriend chinos and a couple of cute tops that are conveniently mid-thigh length and hide all of the problem areas.

The covered up end.


Have a nice day.


23 responses to “In which I rethink my strategy

  1. You could write my life story! You will look cute! I’ve decided it really only matters what I look like with my clothes on anyway!! And if I were really being a good Christian girl, I would have said it only matters what’s on the inside honey. And it does. But…well, you know… When is Jamaica???? I think we are roadtripping to DC at the end of March to see my sister. If she’s done digging herself out of the snow by then! Not quite Jamaica-like.

  2. I love the Lands End suits too. That’s usually the first place I like to look. You’re right though, they are pricey. I bought one online at the end of last season when they were like half off. Yes, it was one with the skirt, and it totally looks like I’m covering something up. Because I totally am. (Going through menapause in my early 30s isn’t pretty!) They also have an overstock website where you can usually find separates even cheaper, if you know your size. You’re going to have such a wonderful time! Can I stow-a-way in your suitcase??

  3. I’m trying to be sympathetic, but jealous that you’re going to Jamaica. Our honeymoon trip was to Negril, and we’ve been to Ocho Rios as a port of call, too.

    What’s your cover-up situation? Don’t have to remove it until you’re situated on the beach.

  4. Here’s a full coverage swimsuit that covers all your bases (no-pun intended) and also comes in “slimming” style.
    You’d definitely be a looker! 😉

    Love the J.Jill stuff!

  5. In spite of the white leg I go for the high cut side…it defintely makes me look slimmer.

    I need a Caribbean vacation in the worst way. So jealous!

  6. Somedays I look at all of those old beach photos with our ancestors all in wool, and I wish we were still oppressed.

    Any post with a hissy fit and onion rings is one of my favs.

  7. Adore this post, identify more than I’d like to admit, and actually guffawed when I read this:

    while he said vaguely supportive things like “Can I have one of your onion rings?”

    not sure if I’ve guffawed recently, or ever… enjoyable. thanks.


  8. Yes, that is an abomination indeed, swimsuitin’ in February.

    No Danke Schoen.

    However, blessed is she who gets to soak up warmth and sunshine in a dreary winter month!

  9. The comment in which I use the word “empathize” instead of “sympathize”.

    Yup, I’m feelin’ ya. I may not be going to Jamaica (and I would request to hide away in your suitcase, but “the end” wouldn’t fit) but this is the story of my life….

    I can totally EMPATHIZE.

  10. Kellie wins link of the day.

    I guess it’s too late to tell you to go to a cancer boo…er…tanning booth for a while.

    Wear your cover up w/pride. Put an umbrella drink in one hand, a smutty book in the other, and just…exhale.

  11. I almost started having a panic attack just reading about trying on swimsuits right now. I can’t even imagine doing that right this second, maybe it’s becasue I had 2 waffles for breakfast.
    Kellies link? Too funny!

  12. It still burns me that guys can wear those long swim trunks and be stylish while women – of any age – are still confined to a little more than what we normally wear as lingerie.

    I’m sure I’d feel differently if I were a size two, but I’m sticking to my complaints! 🙂

  13. Okay, so Gretchen’s comment reminded me of this:


    Just enjoy the trip without the kids!!

  14. I’m pretty sure that I’d have to grow 6 inches lose 90 pounds and never have had kids to look good in a bikini…plus the amount of wax and/or nair needed would not be pretty…I’m just sayin’


  15. I am so for that kind of quick thinking. And I would love to be able to put on some fun springy clothes right now. Sooooo much more fun than a bathing suit.

  16. oh my word this made laugh. Hard. thanks for that 🙂

  17. It’s all about the cover-up.

  18. Go get yourself a spray tan or some self-tanning lotion and have fun. If you don’t go soak up some sun on the beach for me, I’m going to be really disappointed. You can do this. And like it. 🙂

  19. KELLIE!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    So proud of you for ditching the bathing suit thing and going for the cutie shorts and tops. And for eating a cheeseburger.

    You are my hero.

  20. I think if they would just dim the lights in those dressing rooms, they could sell a lot more suits. Just saying.

  21. When we were in Egypt the women were wearing burkas in the pool. I’ll will admit at the time (pre 3 boys) I thought it looked very uncomfortable. Now I am thinking it isn’t such a bad idea.

    Love the video.

  22. Wish we had a Five Guys.

    The J.Jill stuff will look great. The important thing is to have fun!

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