Ranger Rick Beauty Tip

My first errand yesterday was to drop off some financial paperwork and normally I would break out in hives at having to deal with anything that requires responsibility but my task was significantly sweetened when I saw they had a break room available to their customers.  Tears may or may not have sprang/sprung/appeared unbidden on my cheeks as I beheld the wonder of a coffee pot with the light on, and I may or may not have let six people go in line ahead of me as I sat and savored a cup of Gloria Jean’s Butter Toffee with two sugars and a splash of cream.

And got a refill for the road.

Desperate times, my friends, desperate times.

It was close to lunchtime and I was near the mall so I stopped in for a sandwich at the food court and then wandered a few stores in hopes of finding some lightweight tops for our upcoming Griswold family vacation through the desert Southwest.  I didn’t find anything I couldn’t live without, but as I was leaving, a kiosk that offered eyebrow grooming caught my eye and I was in severe need of a touch-up so I stopped by.

And yes, I have achieved new lows by allowing personal grooming to be done in the presence of mall shoppers.

I usually get my eyebrows waxed but I had an unfortunate incident with some extra hot paraffin last time and this kiosk was offering threading, a technique that had been presented as a painless alternative to waxing.  I’m all about painless, so I plunked down my $12 and proceeded to endure THE MOST HORRIFIC PAIN KNOWN TO MAN for the ensuing five minutes.

Imagine, if you will, taking an Epilady to your brow.

Every single hair was being individually and excruciatingly ripped from my head as the groomer hummed a sadistic little tune.  Not wanting to scream in front of curious mall onlookers, I grabbed the handles of the chair and tried to find my happy place as she worked her implement of torture little strand of cotton and asked me if I wanted my eyebrows to be bushy or thin.

“Brooke Shields!”  I yelled.  “In the 70s!”

Spots began to form before the eyes that had rolled up in the back of my head and I began making wild promises to God about what I would do if He would get me out of that chair alive.   I thought He had heard my cry when she stopped but my hopes were dashed because she immediately moved to the other eye.  I tried not to swoon as I tried to tell her that I really didn’t need that side done because my bangs would hide it but my clenched jaw prevented any words from forming.

Mercifully, after what seemed like hours, she finished and handed me the mirror for inspection. I tried to ignore the tears dragging mascara down my cheeks and the little bald spot that she blamed on a scar but I think was caused when I flinched at a critical moment, and I weakly smiled and said, “Thank you” for at that moment I was truly grateful that she was no longer touching me.

She smiled back and said, “Oh, you look so pretty.  I thread your lip?”

I’d rather be dipped in hot wax.

Have a nice day.


31 responses to “Ranger Rick Beauty Tip

  1. I’m glad to read this (sorry for your pain of course) because I have always thought that’s exactly what it looked like. At least the wax is quick.

  2. This is why you have a blog. I would have not gone near that chair. Even for a hot Timmy’s. Are you swollen?

  3. oh.my.thread.

    seriously that looks like it would take the precision of a Navy Seal!! I’ll risk too hot wax (and limb) to not EVER have to experience that.


    on happier note, Miss Gloria Jean’s BT is my very fave in the world for my Koo-Rig (as my son calls her)!!

  4. I had the EXACT same experience at a mall kiosk I sat at on a stupid whim. My friend still maintains it doesn’t hurt, but I remind her that I BIRTHED TWINS AND I KNOW WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE.

  5. Um, no thank you.

    I’ll take the Earth’s Core Wax, please.

  6. I’m sorry for your pain but thank you so much for your rendition of the experience. I needed a good laugh today – only problem – I can’t stop laughing and I have serious work to get to this morning.
    Please don’t take this personally, but in the past I have noticed people having their eyebrows groomed right in front of God and everyone at the mall and I have thought, “Have those people no shame?!!”

  7. That was seriously funny. (I know, oxymoron.)
    I laughed so hard because I feel your pain. My Egyptian friend convinced me I should let her thread my brows a few years ago. It looked great after the throbbing stopped, but I promise my brows have NEVER been the same since!

  8. I have so been blessed with non-bushy, pale eyebrows!!!!

    May I be so bold as to ask where approximately in the desert Southwest?

  9. “I thread your lip?” will forever be imprinted on my mind- like the fingerprints you left in the arm of that chair.

  10. I feel your pain. Though I haven’t had my eyebrows threaded, I have had somewhere else (my second chin, yuck, thanks Russian relatives!) threaded. I was RAW for a month followed by excessive scabbing. I will NEVER DO THAT AGAIN OR RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE!

    So glad to hear you survived. Hopefully, you still have your skin!

    P.S. Also glad that you’ve found coffee.

  11. Girl, you have taken one for the team on this one. I was hoping you would go through it so I wouldn’t have to (if it was worse than waxing).

    And to think you had done this on a caffeine deficiency.

    you may be the strongest person I know.

  12. That literally made the hair on the back of my neck stand up when I read, “I thread your lip?”…..I tried the threading myself. I thought my untrained attempt was horrific and hoped that professionals could do it quickly and painlessly. I guess I was wrong.

  13. Sorry you had to go through that ~ but glad you did (for our sakes) Whew!

  14. Ok….wow…I’m speechless. I guess I won’t be doing that. why do people seem so calm when I walk by there? I had no idea, but I’ll be checking out your brows come Sunday. 🙂

  15. All I can say at this moment is thanks for being that little penguin that jumped in the shark infested ocean…for all of us. Now we know that the “painless” threading is just a shark in disguise. I think I’d rather be axled…

  16. My kingdom for a picture. Please tell me somebody was there to document the occasion. I’d kill for even a screencap from a mall security cam.

  17. So glad to have lived that whole thing vicariously through you so that I don’t ever have to experience it myself! Oh. My. Goodness.

    Some risks just aren’t worth taking! Hope you recover soon!

  18. Well it just PAINS me that you didn’t even post a single photo of this threading torture. 😉

  19. Note to self. Stay far away from the eyebrow threading lady at the mall.

    Thanks, CPQ!

  20. Adam just asked what the heck I was laughing at cause I was full-on giggling over here. I mean, not that I would laugh at your pain or anything . . .

    Honestly, I can’t believe you were brave enough to go there because I cringe and nearly faint every time I unwittingly glance at the informational/demonstration video playing in the window of the eyebrow threading place in our mall.

  21. It would be very wrong right now for me to mention that my brows have never met a tweezer, and are so blonde that I fill them in with a darker brow pencil. So I won’t mention it.

  22. You had me rolling in laughter with this one. Even read it to T. I can hear it so vividly – “I thread your lip?” I will never be able to walk by the kiosk again with out an audible chuckle.

  23. “I thread your lip?” BWHAHAHAHA! Not on your life.

  24. I am sooo primitive. I *still* pluck my own…with the tweezers.

  25. oh my! i have tears flowing down my face. thank you so much for sharing…i will be sure to NEVER stop by the booth and check it out. 🙂 thanks for the good laugh!

  26. I laughed the whole way through this and read it to the Mr so he could laugh too. So sorry about the torture, but at least now we all know to stay away… far, far away from the threader.

  27. At my last bikini wax there was some mention of a numbing cream. Don’t know why that kind of product wouldn’t work for eyebrow sensitivity.

  28. You hurt, I laugh.

    And that’s why we’ve been friends for so many years.

    (Of course it goes without saying that there’s no laughing at emotional pain.)

  29. Ok, you got a bad person. I have an awesome girl who is fast (like 3 mins total). She was gone one time and she has another girl who works with her and I was desperate—NEVER NEVER again! It was awful

  30. OH MY…you had me laughing so hard (with you, not at you) that my tummy hurts and I couldn’t stop saying OH MY throughout the whole post! You crack me up!! Thanks for the giggles! And I hope your eyebrows feel better soon!!!!

  31. Pingback: Five on Friday | Carpool Queen's Blog

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