In which I let it all out in hopes of moving on

Cooking is therapy, and as I glanced over last week’s posts in preparation for writing today’s, I realized that I talked about my kitchen way more than usual.

It’s because last week was a rough one for me and I needed escape by spending time concentrating on measurements, ingredients and what was bubbling in the pan and not what was bubbling in my brain.

1.  We have to get a new walker for Travis.  His old one broke beyond repair and we couldn’t replace it with a similar model because he’d overshot the height limitation.  The only option was to move him into a larger walker and while that sounds simple and easy, the fact is, these decisions and equipment transitions are hard for me.

The bigger unit looks huge.

It screams “handicapped”.

It’s ugly.

It weighs a ton.

It’s frustrating.

2.  He has outgrown the pull-ups that he has worn for years and we’ve been having more accidents than usual.  I’ve got to get something else for him but the readily available products at the store are meant for adults, not children, so that means researching personal care items on the internet and there are many other ways I’d rather spend my time on-line.

It’s discouraging.

3.  I am walking through the valley of the shadow of the death of failed marriages with more than one friend.

It’s devastating.

4.  I had to say goodbye to a little girl who captured my heart.  Sweet C, who cannot speak or walk, whose body trembles uncontrollably when she is excited, whose smile makes angels weep has left.  Her mother was transferred for her job and C has gone to another town and another school and I have found myself having irrational thoughts about who will love her and watch over her.

I have chauffeured this child in my car on field trips because the lift bus didn’t arrive.  Who will do that at the next school?

Will her new assistant be patient with her?  Will she wipe the drool from her mouth lovingly and gently?

Will her new friends see the light in her eyes?  The laughter in her heart? Will they run over and hug her like my sweet precious boys who are wrecked as I am that she’s gone?

It’s unknown.

Lord, I need to lay all the brokenness at your feet and have you sift it and sort it, throw away the garbage of doubt and unbelief, and restore faith and courage.

Because if I put up one more quart of applesauce, I’m going to need a bigger house.


28 responses to “In which I let it all out in hopes of moving on

  1. Bought a helmet for Aaron it, hate it.
    Love and prayers..Patty

  2. I’m praying for you and your family. And Little C. God loves her more than you do, and those angels will weep where ever she is. Perhaps there’s another life in her new home which needs to be changed?

  3. Sat, all day, in front of the ocean last Monday but found something else more beautiful there. It was a husband who had brought his wife out (she couldn’t walk) in a jogging stroller. Then he placed two chairs, close to the water, and carried his wife to the chairs.

    As the tide came in he moved his chair back, while holding her hand, and picked her up to carry her to his chair and then moved hers back and sat in it. He did this all afternoon. I saw a whole group of people (me included), who were selfishly there to enjoy a day off, get up to help this man every time he needed to move back.
    His love and care was beautiful. He was an angel and other angels came to assist him. It was more beautiful than the ocean in front of me.

    You are that beautiful person!

  4. In exchange for your transparency, which encouraged me today, I will give you the promise of prayer over you and your precious family.

    Now if only I could get some of that applesauce. It’s very hard to come by over here.

  5. This is a beautiful, heartbreaking post . . . praying for you.

  6. You are beautifully transparent. I have no idea what it is like to have a child with special needs and I have never bothered to imagine what dealing with such details as walkers and pull-ups must be like. But I do know as a mom it can be the smallest things that send us over the edge. I totally get that. And I often am amazed at my own fragility in such moments. I’m saying a prayer for God to fortify you today. My own post today reveals that I totally get that need. Hang in there.

  7. Well spoken my dear. Our hearts are broken because life was not meant to be lived this way. Our hope is in Him, His return, His and only His ability to make all things right, and His ability to sustain us until then. Our hearts are with you this week.

    Thanks for being real. How we all need it.

  8. ahhh, now I see why it is that I can clean all day sometimes. It’s easier getting all those things my eyes see in perfect order so I don’t have to focus on all the other stuff that is so completely out of order……
    Will think about you often today, and each time I’ll send a prayer up to our Father. Your boys are blessed to have you.

  9. Thank you for your transparency! I needed that today! I am praying that God will give you strength beyond your wildest dreams and a peace that passes understanding. May you know how much God loves you right where you are right now!!!

  10. Your heart is beautiful and I am praying that God will give you peace that passes all understanding.

  11. I think when big things loom we arm ourselves to face them. We brace. We plant our feet firm. But it is often the frustrations and discouragements that simmer daily at the edges of life and then rear their ugly heads on a regular Monday morning that catch us off guard and wear us down. Those are the things that quite often make us feel beaten and fragile and like we want to pull the covers over our head.

    I too appreciate your transparency and will be praying for you. I hope you find strength for the day and comfort for your aching mama’s heart in knowing that many people are doing just that today. I have not lived with a child whose needs are like your sons but I have worked with and learned from and loved many like him. Praying too that God already has a special helper in place for your a sweet little girl named C.


  12. My heart hurts with yours, Susan. Love to you today.

  13. Thank you for once again sharing your tender heart with us. Love and prayers for you and your family.

  14. Love you, Sus. Praying for you and T as this new wave of changes takes place. There’s calmer seas coming…

    You were Little C’s angel for a season…God will provide a new one because He loves her (and you) that much.


  15. My heart is heavy alongside yours today. Just said a prayer for us both.

  16. Oh, Sus, my heart is crumbling with the weight of all this. I ache for you and with you and I’m praying. Please know I’m praying. Remember that God is bigger than all this and He loves you tremendously.

  17. How I long for the right words to meet the needs of your heart today. I’m so thankful that you have a relationship with the only One I know Who loves you more than I can…so I know He’ll see you through this, just as He has up to now. While He is doing it, Your dad and I are right there in spirit and love. Can’t wait to taste tht applesauce!

  18. I so wish I could hold you close and tell you not to worry because I will fix it and all will be different tomorrow. I am confident that our precious Lord has something much better than that in mind. We rest in the knowledge that He knew you before you were conceived and has committed Himself to walk every step with you. He provides as necessary, never late or insufficient. Blessings, Papi.

  19. I love you for your transparency (among many things.) Praying for you and T. as you face these huge challenges. My words seem so inadequate but I’ve been so encouraged my the comments above. Hugs!!!

  20. Ditto to all of these comments… what else can I say? Most of us deal with changes that are uncomfortable or maybe not what we wish, but nothing like these. Praying that God will wrap His loving arms around you & give you the peace that ONLY He can give!

  21. Needed a cup of coffee with me this morning to read this one. God knew exactly what he was doing when he picked you to be the mommy of your family. Love, S

  22. I don’t even know what to say, but wanted to leave a comment. I have prayed for you all. I love Janet’s comment. We have a God who loves our children more than we could ever love them. And thank goodness he renews our strength every day. Praise God for that! And for pumpkin muffins.

  23. Thank you for being so transparent! I so want to be sometimes about my boys, but I just can’t. If you need any net help, I’d be happy to oblige. 🙂 I’m a net nerd. Love ya!

  24. Thanks for the encouragement amidst your struggles. My struggles are not vaguely similar but The answer is the same. You are in my heart and before the Lord today.

  25. Have I told you lately that I love you?

  26. My thoughts and, especially prayers to a loving God, are with you, your family and all the lives ya’ll touch each and every day, Susan. My heart aches for the Mommy in you that is hurting, but am trusting, as I know you are, that God is in each of these situations and will be there to guide, direct, impart wisdom and love.

  27. What definitely put my frustrations for today into a new perspective.
    Prayers to you & your family & friends. Whenever I read your blog, I always think you sound like such an amazing person!
    (And I hope Sweet C finds another Mom-away-from-mom quickly. )

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