This is Heather (and me and Squishy Baby when I first met her).
Heather, and I say this in the most loving and positive way possible, is certifiable.
Heather says stuff like, “Hey, let’s drive out in the middle of the country and buy shrimp in a plastic pond from a farmer we don’t know.”
And, “Hey, let’s rip shrimp heads off.”
Or, she’ll say “Hey, let’s drag our kids to the rodeo in July when it’s 107 degrees outside.”
Or to the beach in March when it’s still cold enough to wear sweatpants.
And then a month or so ago she said, “Hey, why don’t you train for a measly little 5K and I can make you feel completely inferior because I’m training for a marathon. We can run together and have loads of fun!”
And then she had the nerve to hold me accountable and meet me once a week at the parking lot at Kohl’s and drag me along run with me and she SLAYS ME because she chit-chats so perkily while she glides effortlessly along the path in her cute little running skirt and I gasp for breath in my Umbro shorts from 1987, which is the last time I was truly athletic.
So yesterday while she was sitting across the table from me as I was eating a Chubby’s taco (the irony is not lost) she said, “Hey, why don’t we do a trail run tomorrow” and that sounded like something real athletes do and saying “No” is very hard for me so I agreed and today we went in the 90 degree heat with 99% humidity and ran UPHILL BOTH WAYS out on the trail and I honestly thought that 1) I was going to die and 2) we were going to achieve new levels in our friendship where one party is comfortable hurling in front of the other.
I was ready to quit eighteen times.
And I despaired.
Oh, I despaired.
And then she said “Hey, hold your head up and look around you!”
And I had to momentarily put aside my murderous thoughts to truly enjoy the beauty around me. Because, people, it was gorgeous. And peaceful, and save my gasping breath, quiet.
And then my reverie was broken when she confiscated my phone because I was obsessively checking the time to see how much further I had to run and I went to an ugly, ugly place but then she called time and the skies parted and the angels sang, “Hallelujah.”
And then we walked back to the car and I had to crawl through snake-infested kudzu because girlfriend CANNOT park.
And then she smiled and said, “Hey, you wanna’ do this again next week?
Shoot me now.
Have a nice day.