In which you meet my craziest friend

This is Heather (and me and Squishy Baby when I first met her).

Heather, and I say this in the most loving and positive way possible, is certifiable.

Heather says stuff like, “Hey, let’s drive out in the middle of the country and buy shrimp  in a plastic pond from a farmer we don’t know.”

And, “Hey, let’s rip shrimp heads off.”

Or, she’ll say “Hey, let’s drag our kids to the rodeo in July when it’s 107 degrees outside.”

Or to the beach in March when it’s still cold enough to wear sweatpants.

And then a month or so ago she said, “Hey, why don’t you train for a measly little 5K and I can make you feel completely inferior because I’m training for a marathon.  We can run together and have loads of fun!”

And then she had the nerve to hold me accountable and meet me once a week at the parking lot at Kohl’s and drag me along run with me and she SLAYS ME because she chit-chats so perkily while she glides effortlessly along the path in her cute little running skirt and I gasp for breath in my Umbro shorts from 1987, which is the last time I was truly athletic.

So yesterday while she was sitting across the table from me as I was eating a Chubby’s taco (the irony is not lost) she said, “Hey, why don’t we do a trail run tomorrow” and that sounded like something real athletes do and saying “No” is very hard for me so I agreed and today we went in the 90 degree heat with 99% humidity and ran UPHILL BOTH WAYS out on the trail and I honestly thought that 1) I was going to die and 2) we were going to achieve new levels in our friendship where one party is comfortable hurling in front of the other.

I was ready to quit eighteen times.

And I despaired.

Oh, I despaired.

And then she said “Hey, hold your head up and look around you!”

And I had to momentarily put aside my murderous thoughts to truly enjoy the beauty around me.  Because, people, it was gorgeous.  And peaceful, and save my gasping breath, quiet.

And then my reverie was broken when she confiscated my phone because I was obsessively checking the time to see how much further I had to run and I went to an ugly, ugly place but then she called time and the skies parted and the angels sang, “Hallelujah.”

And then we walked back to the car and I had to crawl through snake-infested kudzu because girlfriend CANNOT park.

And then she smiled and said, “Hey, you wanna’ do this again next week?

Shoot me now.

Have a nice day.




16 responses to “In which you meet my craziest friend

  1. Oh this made me laugh so hard! Don’t worry… in a couple weeks, when the craziest friend somehow convinces me to join you for one of those runs, you will feel supremely superior, because I have not done any sort of physical activity for over 10 months now. And you can laugh at me and point and whisper, and then I will hurl.

    And we can all laugh about it together at a much later date over a cup of coffee. Because we are addicted.

  2. You’ve got a GREAT friend there!!! You know….I treasure my sleep, but running 4 miles today – in this heat – made me wish I had set the alarm earlier for sure! Oh….and can you PLEASE tell me where that trail is — getting bored with my other routes!

    Good for you!! Running in THIS heat — you are a runner for sure!!

  3. LOL. I was just smiling until . . . “girlfriend CANNOT park” and then a full on laugh escaped me.
    Ah girlfriends . . . what would we do without them!

  4. You are such a good sport and good friend for taking part in all those adventures! Good friends like you are surely a rare find!

  5. What a great story, and how lucky are you to have a friend like her (and vice-versa!)

  6. I love her too! And it makes me miss my craziest BFF who died. Treasure every minute with her. And good luck with the running, I alwasy wanted to be a runner!

  7. Were you wearing scrunchy socks with your Umbros? Keds?

    You are hilarious!

  8. She’s the best! So glad you have a running buddy 😀

  9. tee hee…I told you I would move the van.
    Thanks for putting up with me and joining me on these crazy runs.
    And thanks more for being my friend.

  10. You managed to cram shrimp heads, Umbros, and kudzu all in one post. How do you do it, CPQ? Love this.

  11. That’s true friendship.
    Love it.

  12. Joy! Good friends are priceless. I can recall gasping for breath next to you on the elliptical, CPQ, so you got chops. Channel your inner runner girl, hit the next milestone, and since we work off the reward system, head to Lucy or lululemon for a cool outfit.

  13. Oh, and I read this post with a plate of TacoBell nachos bellgrande in one hand and my blackberry in the other hand. Great. 🙂

  14. Awwww, how sweet! You didn’t even mention her extreme craftiness and ability to rock the headscarf.

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