At least he has job prospects

Yesterday was one of those days in this journey we call parenting that is best described in one sentence.

I know why tigers eat their young.

I won’t go into the whole scenario but after a series of unfortunate decision-making by one of my children (who shall remain nameless), the day ended with my car pulling into the parking lot at Mr. CPQ’s work where I handed him the keys, the children, and a terse summation of the day which may or may not have left him with the impression that it would be the last time he saw his wife and then I went to the Cheesecake Factory with some girlfriends who commiserated with me over a plate full of unnecessary calories.

The punishment I handed out was rather long-lasting in nature (i.e. you’re grounded for life) and I was greeted by a less than happy child this morning as we straggled in for breakfast.

And then the cat brought in his own breakfast.

Which was still alive.

And flapping.

Which caused me to run flapping and screaming towards the back of the house because I never did like Mutual of Omaha on TV much less in my living room floor.

And I yelled “Child Who Is Grounded For Life, get that thing out of the house!”

And he said, “I will if you give me my computer privileges back.”

And I said: “I’ll pay you a dollar.”

And he said:  “I won’t do it for less than full restitution.”

So there’s currently a dead bird and floating feathers in the laundry room and eight hours to go until Dad gets home because while this mama tiger might be sorely tempted to eat her young right now, she draws the line at negotiating with terrorists.

Have a nice day.


21 responses to “At least he has job prospects

  1. This is why I can’t drink beverages and read your blog at the same time because if I did I’d perform the reverse neti pot procedure with my coffee.

    You need
    1) Gardening gloves
    2) Black trash bag
    3) Brown paper bag
    4) Lysol

    Put on gloves. Put hands inside trash bag. Grab said bird with hands inside gloves, inside trash bag. Place said bird in brown paper bag. Place in trash can outside. Throw away trash bag and gloves. Use entire can of lysol on the floor. Go buy catnip. That cat needs a trip. Go buy Bailey’s. Momma needs a trip, too.

  2. Don’t the holidays bring out the best in everyone?? OHMYWORD!! Well yesterday would certainly wear me out for today. Kudos to you for standing strong and doling out (and living with) the punishment. I hate that part of it all. Why do some lessons have to be learned on a field trip? Why can’t all children just listen to their parents who obviously know best instead of testing our limits??? ha!

    I have paid a neighbor girl to take a dead mouse (or two) out of my basement when my husband was gone. Can you pay the other child $2 to take the bird out so the naughty one doesn’t get paid while in jail? You know, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Or yeah, just leave it. An excuse not to do laundry today!

    p.s. LOVE it that you drove them to mr. cpq’s office and dropped them off. haha!!

  3. and I loved “full restitution.” ha! where do they come up with this stuff?

  4. Isn’t removing rodents on the list of boy jobs? I’m pretty sure its not optional.

    I don’t know what he did but I’m thinking his punishment should be that his mama gets a nice long week in Italy…sans kids of course. I didn’t need to add that did I?

    Hang in there!

  5. I would say Cheesecake Factory could take away all the stresses of the day – and then some.. 🙂

  6. 1. Good news! You have a legit excuse to not do laundry today.

    2. ANYTIME you need a friend to meet you at Cheesecake Factory to drown the sorrows of mothering, discuss world issues, or celebrate life in general, call me.

  7. The computer is going to be the one thing that makes my head explode over break, but limiting their privileges on it though feels like punishment to ME! Hang in there bird girl.

  8. Tragically hilarious!!!!!!

  9. Just like my spelling skills. 🙂

  10. Hmm… I wasn’t sure about “tragically” but I checked and I think I spelled it right.

    I think I just left quite the string of uninteresting comments.

    Forgive me.

  11. I think I would have keeled over and died right there. I hate birds. They terrify me AND gross me out — double whammy . . .

  12. Oh my word! What he did must have really bad! I’m proud of you for not caving into his negotiation tactics during a fowl situation (pun intended!).

  13. My comment would have been “I’ll add another week unless you get the bird out of my house!”

    These things are what makes the men bring us Bailey boxes for Christmas!


  14. Good for you for sticking to your guns!!! He will thank you some day! There is NO room for negotiation when YOU are the Mama!!!
    And I’m available too if you need anymore therapy @ the Cheesecake Factory (or any “meeting place”…)
    BTW, I almost ran over Mr. CPQ today… but I showed mercy & put down my window instead to have a short chat on my way to a “way over-priced” massage @ Massage Envy (charged me the full fee in addition to my prepaid Groupon!) Definitely not going back there….

  15. I think my “negotiations” would have gone something like this:

    “Please go remove that bird. Each minute you fail to do so will result in your computer privileges being revoked for an additional day. If it’s not gone in a half hour, we start taking away computer and TV rights.”

    Of course, I talk a good game when it’s somebody else’s kids. I can’t get my 5 year old boy to eat anything other than chicken nuggets and grilled cheese.

  16. You go girl! Stand strong!
    Although Meredith does have a point…

  17. look at it this way…you are calmer than me….I would’ve marched to the computer, disconnected it & used it to sweep the bird back out the front door.

  18. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I sat may children down one day this week and explained in some pretty graphic terms why they are blessed and how children all over the world have much less than they do. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one wondering about their children and their future outlook.

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