Sorry to disappoint those of you in the comments section who were screaming for a photo of the previous owner. I would have taken a dozen of them had not my phone been swiped by the boys so they could play games while Craig and I were signing paperwork.
Not that it kept them occupied as evidenced by the fact that one of them came tapping on the door in the middle of the proceedings complaining that the other one had exceeded his time limit.
Were it not for a roomful of witnesses, half of which/whom happened to be attorneys, that child would have met his Maker.
We took our keys and went to the new house where we were welcomed by Blog Lurker Rachel (who now needs a new name seeing as she’s my neighbor) and she was extremely kind to bring over lasagna, a huge loaf of bread already slathered in butter and loaded with fresh garlic, and a big garden salad and I gave her a tour of the empty house
because I knew once we moved in with all our stuff it would never be neat again. I mentioned to her our experience with the previous owner and she said “Oh, that’s nothing. One time I did a double-take because I thought she was mowing the lawn naked. All she had on was a flesh-colored body suit and gold high heels.”
Well, alrighty then.
Rachel introduced me to my other neighbor Jose but it’s not pronounced the way it looks because she is most definitely not a Hispanic male but a Dutch female and her name is pronounced Yo-zaay which I find exotic and I try to say her name as much as possible and milk every bit out of my one semester of 10th grade French.
While we were out in the front yard, my immediate next door neighbors came over (they’re Israeli – I swear I live at a UN complex) and wanted to see the house so I took them in for a tour. (Hello, people I’ve just met – Want to see every nook and cranny of my new place? Come on in!)
Anyway, while we were walking through, she asked if I’d met the previous owner. I told her we just had and it was a rather, um, impressive sight, and she said leaned over to me and said, “You know she was a hooker and murdered her husband in this house, right?”
She was on a roll.
“She went out with a different man every night and left her husband here by himself. And when he died? Crime tape, wrapped around the house for a week. I say she killed him just for the money.”
I tried to keep my jaw from dropping to the ground and made a mental note to ask Blog Lurker/Neighbor Rachel why she had NEGLECTED TO INFORM ME THERE WAS A CRIME IN MY HOME PERPETRATED BY A HOMICIDAL HOOKER.
And also decided to have the bedroom carpet replaced.
And maybe hold a cleansing ceremony.
Have a nice day.