Part III: In which I discover why she’s the Black Widow

Sorry to disappoint those of you in the comments section who were screaming for a photo of the previous owner.  I would have taken a dozen of them had not my phone been swiped by the boys so they could play games while Craig and I were signing paperwork.

Not that it kept them occupied as evidenced by the fact that one of them came tapping on the door in the middle of the proceedings complaining that the other one had exceeded his time limit.

Were it not for a roomful of witnesses, half of which/whom happened to be attorneys, that child would have met his Maker.

We took our keys and went to the new house where we were welcomed by Blog Lurker Rachel (who now needs a new name seeing as she’s my neighbor) and she was extremely kind to bring over lasagna, a huge loaf of bread already slathered in butter and loaded with fresh garlic, and a big garden salad and I gave her a tour of the empty house because I knew once we moved in with all our stuff it would never be neat again.  I mentioned to her our experience with the previous owner and she said “Oh, that’s nothing.  One time I did a double-take because I thought she was mowing the lawn naked.  All she had on was a flesh-colored body suit and gold high heels.”

Well, alrighty then.

Rachel introduced me to my other neighbor Jose but it’s not pronounced the way it looks because she is most definitely not a Hispanic male but a Dutch female and her name is pronounced Yo-zaay which I find  exotic and I try to say her name as much as possible and milk every bit out of my one semester of 10th grade French.

While we were out in the front yard, my immediate next door neighbors came over (they’re Israeli – I swear I live at a UN complex) and wanted to see the house so I took them in for a tour. (Hello, people I’ve just met – Want to see every nook and cranny of my new place?  Come on in!)

Anyway, while we were walking through, she asked if I’d met the previous owner.  I told her we just had and it was a rather, um, impressive sight, and she said leaned over to me and said, “You know she was a hooker and murdered her husband in this house, right?”

WHAT????????

She was on a roll.

“She went out with a different man every night and left her husband here by himself.  And when he died?  Crime tape, wrapped around the house for a week.  I say she killed him just for the money.”

I tried to keep my jaw from dropping to the ground and made a mental note to ask Blog Lurker/Neighbor Rachel why she had NEGLECTED TO INFORM ME THERE WAS A CRIME IN MY HOME PERPETRATED BY A HOMICIDAL HOOKER.

And also decided to have the bedroom carpet replaced.

And maybe hold a cleansing ceremony.

Have a nice day.

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18 responses to “Part III: In which I discover why she’s the Black Widow

  1. Tell me when and I’ll bring my holy oil and we can prayer walk your property.

    Tina (and, I’m serious)

  2. Yeah…after we moved into our first house in California this naive little Iowa girl found out that an, uh, er, “adult film” had been filmed in our house and it was busted during filming and half dozen or so half naked people were paraded out by the police. Yeah, talk about buying stock in Lysol.

    What an adventure you have had!!

  3. Are you kidding? This is one crazy story! You have to admit it makes for really good blogging. Ha! Ha!

    I’m sure your beautiful home is happy to have a fresh start with a fun family. I hope you guys get settled in and enjoy your new home and new neighbors.

  4. Wow.
    It’s not nearly as disturbing, but the first house my hubby and I bought was from a sweet little old lady. She was in the house when we were walking through once, and she pointed to an area of the carpet and said, ‘My husband died RIGHT THERE.’
    We had the carpet replaced, too.

  5. Well! You didn’t buy just any old ordinary boring house! You have a house with a past. Can’t wait to hear more neighbor stories.

    In our old neighborhood, the next door neighbor came home to find her husband in the attic and let’s just say there was a rafter and a rope involved in the story. She moved out soon after and a new family moved in. I had a hard time looking them in the eye for quite some time because I felt bad about not telling them the story, but I didn’t want to be the one.
    Your neighbors were probably happy to see a normal family move in! Or not.

  6. Oh my word! I can’t wait to hear more stories! I read your original post about this house being an answer to prayer and my tough guy 15 yo son had tears in his eyes. I can’t wait to share the new stories. He will love them!

  7. Your huge moving van drove over a neighbor’s yard and sprinklers multiple times- forgivable; your internet connection necessitated digging a huge hole (large enough to bury all the neighborhood pets and a few neighbors) in a neighbor’s yard – forgivable (mainly because the hole is not in my yard);
    blabbing all the secrets and false rumors of our neighborhood for the entertainment of your blog followers – UNFORGIVABLE! Don’t you need a person’s permission before you blog about them? Oh, and by the way, you forgot to mention the ice cream dessert.

    • It was unforgivable not to to mention the ice cream dessert.

      Oh.
      My.
      Word.

      My husband took one bite, swooned, and said “You’re going to have to step up your game.”

      My thighs thank you.

  8. Why in the world would I EVER think that your move would be normal? Only you, girl. Only you.

    Friends like you keep my life so exciting. And scandalous.

  9. You neglected to mention having to call in Dr. Henry Lee to do a blood splatter analysis on your MBR window shades.

    OK, it really looked more like coffee. But blood splatter sounds so much more interesting.

  10. At least she had a good house decorating style. Maybe you could give us the link to the newspaper coverage.

  11. Really.
    This stuff only happens to you.

    What did ‘Neighbor Rachel’ say about the crime scene tape??
    So.many.questions.

  12. Oh my word, it just gets better! Still trying to erase the flesh-colored bodysuit and gold heels from my mind. Lady Gaga’s mama?

  13. Rachel Treichler

    Oh my word! I read all 3 of these posts in a row, and with each one my jaw dropped closer and closer to the floor. Unbelieveable!! Makes for great blogging though! Congrats on finally being in your dream house!

  14. Ok… so I can’t tell (especially by the comments) whether this is for real or not. WHAT!!!??? I hope Tina comes and prays for real. I’d so be there!!!!

  15. My 42 year old self is, oddly, jealous of your adventure. Pray for me.

  16. It’s just a good thing I didn’t read this until now…. I could NOT have looked the two of you in the eyes this AM in class without losing it! If there is a story, you/your family is going to be IN IT! I guess that somewhat explains ALL the chandeliers… Just a matter of taste…
    Keeping me in stitches again!

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