One week from tonight I’ll be in a hospital room and, if the past is any indicator, I’ll be holding a plastic bucket as Travis heaves away the post-surgery remains of the day.
He and anesthesia don’t get along very well.
They like to part ways, violently.
I’ve been in a Very Quiet Place for a couple of weeks. I’m not anxious, worried, depressed, or despairing. If forced to pick a few words they would be “focused” and “tense”. My jaw stays clenched most of the time and the massage therapist I saw last week told me to come back in a couple of days so she could spend more time on the shoulder muscles that I’m wearing up around my ears.
My brain is constantly churning. I can be cooking dinner, watering plants, washing clothes, shopping at the grocery store, but my head isn’t there. It’s somewhere next week, and the week after that, and the week after that. I’m doing my best to do “today” and not “tomorrow” and some days I’m successful and some days I’m not.
What if they can’t manage the pain very well?
What if he rips his IVs out?
What if he gets an infection in his bone?
How will we keep him clean?
How will I change his pull-up with a full length cast?
What if I accidentally hurt him trying to get his clothes changed?
How are we going to transfer him into and out of the car?
I don’t have any answers.
I feel like I’m looking at this big, gray, concrete wall smack dab in the middle of my path and for the last two weeks I’ve been sitting cross-legged in the dirt looking at it.
Can’t see through it.
Can’t see past it.
Can’t go around it.
Yesterday, though, I read a quote by Elisabeth Elliott that has helped bring some clarity and, more importantly, resolve to my disquieted spirit. She was talking about obedience and said “Sometimes when we are called to obey, the fear does not subside and we are expected to move against the fear. One must choose to do it afraid.”
That was the gentle nudge that I needed. It’s okay if I’m tense and concerned and don’t have a clue as to how this is all going to work out. I’m not called to have the answers. I am called to be strong and courageous for the Lord is with me wherever I go. I am called to cast my cares upon Him and I am called to trust even though I can’t see what’s on the other side of my obstacle.
This I do know, He is there.
It’s time to stand up, shake the dust from the seat of my pants and start walking towards the wall. It’s not going to move and I’ve got some climbing to do.
Have a nice day.