One week from tonight I’ll be in a hospital room and, if the past is any indicator, I’ll be holding a plastic bucket as Travis heaves away the post-surgery remains of the day.

He and anesthesia don’t get along very well.

They like to part ways, violently.

I’ve been in a Very Quiet Place for a couple of weeks. I’m not anxious, worried, depressed, or despairing. If forced to pick a few words they would be “focused” and “tense”. My jaw stays clenched most of the time and the massage therapist I saw last week told me to come back in a couple of days so she could spend more time on the shoulder muscles that I’m wearing up around my ears.

My brain is constantly churning. I can be cooking dinner, watering plants, washing clothes, shopping at the grocery store, but my head isn’t there. It’s somewhere next week, and the week after that, and the week after that. I’m doing my best to do “today” and not “tomorrow” and some days I’m successful and some days I’m not.

What if they can’t manage the pain very well?
What if he rips his IVs out?
What if he gets an infection in his bone?
How will we keep him clean?
How will I change his pull-up with a full length cast?
What if I accidentally hurt him trying to get his clothes changed?
How are we going to transfer him into and out of the car?


I don’t have any answers.

I feel like I’m looking at this big, gray, concrete wall smack dab in the middle of my path and for the last two weeks I’ve been sitting cross-legged in the dirt looking at it.

Can’t see through it.

Can’t see past it.

Can’t go around it.

Yesterday, though, I read a quote by Elisabeth Elliott that has helped bring some clarity and, more importantly, resolve to my disquieted spirit. She was talking about obedience and said “Sometimes when we are called to obey, the fear does not subside and we are expected to move against the fear. One must choose to do it afraid.”

That was the gentle nudge that I needed. It’s okay if I’m tense and concerned and don’t have a clue as to how this is all going to work out. I’m not called to have the answers. I am called to be strong and courageous for the Lord is with me wherever I go. I am called to cast my cares upon Him and I am called to trust even though I can’t see what’s on the other side of my obstacle.

This I do know, He is there.

It’s time to stand up, shake the dust from the seat of my pants and start walking towards the wall. It’s not going to move and I’ve got some climbing to do.

Have a nice day.


21 responses to “Walls

  1. Praying for your family, friend. Especially praying for Travis and throwing in an added request that this time the anesthesia doesn’t bother him.

  2. In agreement with Jen. Also, know this: Travis has the best mother for him. Kinda like God picked you out for each other. xxxooo

  3. Dear long time friend! I will contlinue to pray & pray & pray!!!!!

  4. Will you have you in my prayers. I understand your fears personally and can assure you that you will get through it with God supporting you every step of the way. Wishing Travis an easy and quick recovery. Hang in there Mom and let us all know what we can do to help you both through the coming weeks.

  5. Praying for Travis and your family. Please let me know if I can help inn any way.

  6. Oh sweet girl…you are stronger than you know. God is right there beside you and inside of you fighting for you every step of the way. I’ve been thinking and praying for you this week, anticipating this post. Will keep praying. 1 Peter 5:6-7 has been my favorite verse of late. 6 Humble yourselves (TRUST), therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. As Dory said in Finding Nemo, “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” Had to leave you with a smile 🙂

  7. I just read this. 2 Samuel 2:30. With my God, I can scale any wall. That is how you will get over your concrete wall!

  8. Precious daughter of HIS and mine, remember HIS promise that our trials will not overwhelm us as we allow HIM to help us as HE knows best. Witness is born of conquered trials. We don’t always have the privilege of choosing our trials but we do control the receiving of HIS help. Our limits are HIS opportunities.

  9. I remember hearing about a young lady who wanted to lose some weight. Something about not trying to go around the mountain, but just climbing up and over the mountain God had allowed to be in her life. You can’t do this, but God can. And will.

  10. Very wise, and timely for me as well. Thanks lots and God bless you Sus~ x

  11. Praying for all of you!!

  12. i will pray for you.

  13. I have a little saying in my car: I may not know how or why, but I do know Who.

  14. Gonna be saying some prayers for your family.

  15. Oh sweet friend, I’m praying! I love your heart and who you are!

  16. Praying for y’all-

  17. love you guys. praying.

  18. Praying for you and your sweet family! ((((HUGS))))

  19. Talk to the anesthesiologist BEFORE surgery and let him/her know that Travis is very prone to the pukes. There are medications to get a handle on that before it even starts! It makes such a difference — like Night and Day difference! (Yes, personal experience talking.) Praying for you all.

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