I’ve been getting a little tired of wearing blue jeans every day because other than the two pair I own plus two pairs of dress slacks, I have no other pants option. (Unless you count the yoga pants I wear most days which aren’t horrible but I’d like to look a little more put together when I leave the house because I’m not twenty-two anymore and can we be real? I don’t do yoga.)
Yogurt, yes. Yoga, no.
was avoiding doing laundry had a little free time on my hands yesterday and decided to go to the mall and do a little browsing around to freshen up ye old wardrobe and spent three hours breaking out in hives while I tried on clothes. Ranger Rick Fashion Tip: Try on clothes in the summer time when you just have to slide off flip flops and shorts and not in the winter time when you have to peel off and put on eighteen layers and build up enough static electricity in your hair to power Manhattan. But I digress.
I decided to try on clothing I normally wouldn’t wear so that I could expand my fashion horizon, and let’s just say that strategy yielded mixed results. And a few swear words.
Emerald! Emerald in the Pantone color of the year (or so Amy tells me and she is my phone a friend when it comes to making fashion selections) and so I tried on this coat.
But it had no neck and I was struck by the fact that it made me look like a turtle so it went back on the rack which made me sad because it would have been 60% off but I think we all know why.
What about chevrons? Also, what about making me look matronly?
Back on the rack.
3. Maybe a dress is too much – How about a maxi skirt?
Ooh, it was cute and comfortable and long and ON SALE. I was ready to buy the whole ensemble except upon closer inspection, the top was bunchy.
I thought it was just a hanger issue but, no, it was sewn funny and the seam wouldn’t stay flat and I went to the table to find another one in my size and they were out.
The shopping gods were clearly not with me.
4. Then I thought “Sus, time to be bold. You need to try on the skinny jean. You’ve been working out for a month, you’ve lost 15 pounds, you’re ready to step out.” I picked up a couple of pair thinking I, too, could be like the supermodels in the fashion magazines. I knew they’d be a slim fit so to boost my confidence, I grabbed a size bigger than I normally wear.
Dear Ann Taylor: Some of us are built like Russian weightlifters. Please design accordingly.
5. At this point I’d been at the mall for almost three hours and I was a woman on the edge. I tried to pick up the shattered pieces of my self-esteem and went into Cache to try find something that
fit was edgy, trendy, and didn’t scream “Mother of Three.” I saw this asymmetrical top and it seemed fresh and different and like nothing at all in my closet so I put it one but it looked funny and wouldn’t fit right around my hips and I walked outside and showed the skinny Minnie clerk the top and said “I don’t know about this.”
And she said “That only looks bad because you’re wearing it with the wrong pants. You need skinny jeans.”
And then I just gave up, came home and ate cookies.
Have a nice day.