My laptop has been sitting on the kitchen bar for a couple of weeks now and every time I look at it I think, “I should write” and then I don’t. I’ve been doing other things – it’s May with all the crazy that comes with the month- but I’ve mainly been marinating in a toxic stew of low grade anxiety with occasional bouts of hyperventilation over Big Life Questions such as 1) am I royally screwing up my kids, 2) do I have what it takes to lead this conference, 3) I’m six months from 45 and am I where I wanted to be at this point in my life, and 4) is it time to close the chapter on blogging?

1) I hope not.

2) I hope so.

3) Talk to me in 20 more pounds.

4) Jury’s still out.

We’ve got a lot of changes coming down the pike – the kids leaving middle school for high school, saying goodbye to the familiarity of the year-round calendar to go traditional, and having a passel of boys turn 15 next month which means learner’s permits and driving lessons.

I still get nervous when they ride their bikes to the pool so HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALMLY HAND OVER THE KEYS TO THE VAN?  

I don’t like change. I just don’t.  This is the woman who took years to learn to say Costco when they changed their name from Price Club, who still can’t confidently navigate Windows 8  even though she upgraded months ago, and whose favorite waitress at Pho Super 9 automatically yells “B7” to the cook as she walks in the front door. The point is, I like routine. I like predictable.  I like known. And everything coming down the pike is anything but those three.


Someone hand me a paper bag to breathe in.

9 responses to “Hmmmmm

  1. offthebeatenpathministries

    I hear you, Susan! Hang in there. I remember the huge jump from watching my son ride down the street on his bike to handing over the car keys, too. You never get used to it. Until they live in a different state…and then you breathe a big breath, shrug your shoulders and say, “Well, what can I possibly do about it?” Praying you through your changes!! They never end, do they? So good to “hear” your voice today…

  2. Dottie Scates

    I wanted to respond to your blog comments, but didn’t want to “go public”.

    1. Yes, whatever you do, they will think you screwed up sometimes. The problem is you won’t know most of the screw-ups till at least 20 years too late to do anything about it. But don’t worry–it will give them some things to vow never do to/for their children.

    2. Yes, doing this conference will not EVEN TAP your abilities. Look to the hills like Elisha’s servant, there are those of us who would love to be your gofers if you need/want us, like your mom and me.

    3. Don’t worry about being “where you want to be.” The joy is in the journey. I think we badly need a glass of wine and a long, deep sunset on the deck to contemplate this.

    4. No comment on blogging. Never having done one, I don’t know about the therapeutic value. If it feels good, do it, though.

    Love you much and know that one of the joys of my life is knowing you are sharing yours with my son.


    Sent from my iPad


  3. The ‘Sunday School’ answer is Proverbs 3: 5-6. The KC answer is please keep me informed as to your progress. In spite of our completely different lives, I feel we’re very much alike and am looking for pointers! In through the nose, out through the mouth, slow praise at the end.

  4. Kids driving and all that goes with it might be my least favorite thing about parenting. I know that makes you feel better : ) Well, at least you should know you’re not alone! I’m also a former change resister (not completely cured) but I will say God has taught me an awful lot by bringing change into my life. I will pray for a smooth transition to high school.

  5. Dottie made me cry. I love Dottie. Here are my answers….
    1. No. The fact that you question it means no. If it never crossed your mind, then probably yes.
    2. Are you kidding? You’re the man. I would love to help you when the time comes. Greeting, registration, etc. (What? I can be friendly if I have to be.)
    3. That’s personal. But I think you rock.
    4. If this is a yes, I’m going to need to join you guys on the porch with the wine. And find a good therapist. I check here EVERY SINGLE DAY.

  6. This IS a difficult time for you, and change IS hard for you, but most of the changes in your life have been for the good, and change is essential for progress. I agree with Dottie, we are here for you, and many others are, too. And don’t forget God and all His promises – like Joshua 1:9, & Prov.16:3, You got to where you are a day at a time, and the Lord has been with you every step of the way. He’ll always be there to help you…You’re doing great and you have a wonderful partner in Craig…Hang in there! Many of us love your blogs, but don’t let schedule pressure you. We’ll read them when you post them. Of course, you already know all this…just a friendly reminder, my love.

  7. I love my mom and my mother-in-law.

  8. I love your mom and mother-in-law, too.

    Their comments are the answer to your questions…they love you no matter what. They are great cheerleaders. AND..they’ve got your back. Buck up, little camper…you’ve got this!

    As for the blog…blogging while high schoolers are in ‘da house’ is sporadic. It’s perfectly fine to be sporadic…because it’s your blog.

    As for the learner permits…it’s frightening. It’s scary. It hasn’t been my favorite part of raising kids, but…It must be done. ( could pay extra and let the driving schools get them past the ‘we are all going to die in this car’ stage.)

  9. Don’t stop blogging. Just don’t. I would miss you so!

    And as for all the hyperventilation and change, you know you have a Constant. I know you’ll remember that and relax into Him.

    Love you CPQ!

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